February 14th, 2017
I sit here all alone in an empty house with an empty heart. Tears flow down my face. Valentine’s Day is just another day for me, a very depressing day. I don’t think I will ever love again.
January 1st, 2015
Happy New Year! I spent most of my night at a party with Ryan and some of his friends. We sipped a little champagne but neither of us are major drinkers. It was fun. We kissed when the ball dropped on T.V. at midnight. Everything just feels so perfect. I feel like we’re growing into a deep relationship. It’s happening so fast, but I feel like it’s for the good of things. We’ve been dating a year as of next month, and I still feel like I could spend the rest of my life with him. I’m wondering if he has something special planned?
February 2nd, 2015
Yay! Today is Ryan and I’s 1-year anniversary! At school he told me he had something planned for us, but he just seemed different. He seemed upset about something or preoccupied. It was just weird. So he picked me up at 7PM and we went to CiCi’s pizza buffet. He let me talk most of the night. He didn’t say much. He kept looking down at the table. I asked him what was wrong, and he would just smile and say “nothing”. It was a good night, I just wish I knew what was wrong with him.
February 7th, 2015
Today was wonderful. Ryan and I laid in the back of his truck bed and kissed for a while under the stars. Here in California the weather is typically nice, so we just laid there and talked for hours. Ryan asked me a weird question. It really kind of bothered me but he wouldn’t elaborate why he asked. He asked me if I’d ever had a relationship with a girl. I said “no”. Then I asked why and he said he was just curious. Maybe he’s one of those guys that has a lesbian fetish or something. He never said any more about it. It was a beautiful night. One I will never forget. He told me after high school he was going to enlist in the army. He asked me if I’d wait for him while he went through basic training. I said of course. I’m pretty sure I’m in love. When I first saw him at school a couple of years ago, I knew I wanted to find out more about him. He just seemed different than regular guys. Now, here I am, head over heels in love with him.
February 8th, 2015
I had so much fun with Ryan today. We’re becoming so close. He seems so different. He’s not like other guys. Oh, if only I could’ve met him earlier in high school. He just moved here our sophomore year. He hangs out with some misfits, but I wouldn’t say they are a bad crowd. There is this one girl he talks to a lot. She’s transgender. She’s transitioning from being a guy into a girl. He’s really close to her. She calls herself Chasity. I’ve known her as Chase all he life. Never did I ever get a hint that he would become a girl. Overall, Ryan’s great. It’s just sometimes he seems to be secretive. He always acts like he’s hiding something. It bothers me. I tell him all the time to be open with me and he assures me he is.
February 13th, 2015
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I can’t wait to see Ryan. I’m sure he went all out for me. Candies, flowers, a lovely card. He spoils me so! I wrote up a nice card for him. I wrote “Ryan, my one true love; I will love you forever and always. May nothing ever come between us. May we always find happiness within each other. I love you. -Gina”
February 13th, 2015
I was so happy when Ryan picked me up, so full of excitement. He’s such a romantic, so I was sure it was going to be a great date. He wanted to do Valentine’s Day a day early. I’m still not sure why. Of course, as soon as I sat down in his green pickup truck, he pushed a dozen roses at me in a beautiful bouquet. He kissed me on the cheek and told me “Happy Valentine’s Day”. The whole drive to Flat Top Grill he held my hand in the middle of the console. It was the interlaced fingers type of hand holding. Not him literally putting his hand on mine. It’s as if our hands were meant to interlock, they just fit so perfectly. I couldn’t stop smiling. I was so happy. This is the guy I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. We’re going to prom this year, our senior year. I just feel like fate has brought us together. I can’t imagine my life without him. When we were at Flat Top I couldn’t stop talking out of nervousness. We’ve only been together a year, but he still gives me the butterflies when I’m around him. He just looked me directly in the eye, smiled, and listened. It was a simple date, one for the books. I expected a bit more romance, but it’s okay. I enjoyed my time with him.
February 18th, 2015
I know it’s been a few days. I’m sorry. I’ve just been so lost in my thoughts and I just didn’t feel like writing. After Ryan dropped me off at home for the night of our date, he surprised us all. He committed suicide. He shot himself up with heroin and then slit his wrists. The police think he didn’t succeed with his planned heroin overdose, so he had to slit his wrists. I just don’t understand. He didn’t leave a note, he just left us all in the dark. There were no signs leading up to it. He was perfectly happy, his same old self. I’m still in shock. I keep looking at my phone hoping he’ll text me, but I keep having to tell myself he’s gone. If I knew Ryan as well as I thought I did, I know he would never do drugs, especially heroin. I just feel so numb. I don’t know what to do. We had our whole life planned out with each other. I just can’t figure out why he’d do this to us, especially me. He always talked about how he planned to spend the rest of his life with me and one day we’d live in a farm house out in the country away from everyone. We’d have a few kids…. Everything was supposed to end out perfect. Why did he not only ruin his life, but mine as well?
February 20th, 2015
Today I went to see Ryan’s parents. They left his room exactly as if he was still coming home. I went in his room and threw myself down in the middle of his full-size bed. I looked up at the ceiling. He had a Pink Floyd cloth poster on the ceiling. I didn’t know he even liked Pink Floyd. I thought he listened to new music. I found myself alone in my thoughts again in his room. I kept looking at my phone out of habit, but no one was texting me. All I saw was a picture of Ryan and I on my lock screen of my iPhone. I talked with his mom about him a little bit. She said he always spoke very highly of me, but he didn’t tell me everything about himself. It was as if she was hiding a secret. I needed to know. What did I not know about Ryan?
February 20th, 2015
Everything I thought I knew was a lie. Ryan’s (if I can even call this person that) mom showed me baby pictures. He was not born a boy. He was born a girl. Ryan was transgender. Of course, we made out a lot, but we never got to having sex. We didn’t think we were ready. Little did I know, Ryan didn’t want to have sex because of his gender dysphoria. He was going to get his bottom surgery the summer after our senior year. He was practically living a double life. That’s why he was so close to Chasity because she was transgender too. His parents put him on hormone blockers when he was young, so he never filled out like a girl. He worked out constantly and was taking hormone replacement (testosterone) shots, so he was built like a boy. He looked exactly like a high school boy. I just can’t believe I never thought about it or noticed it. I feel like I’ve been left in the dark! I guess I’m going to have to think about this.
February 20th, 2015
After talking with Ryan’s mom, I feel like all the signs were there. The night of our 1-year anniversary is when his depression started, at least that’s what his mom thought. She said he just stayed in his room and didn’t talk much. He would crank up his music and just lay in bed. She said she thought she heard him sniffling like he was crying but she wasn’t sure. She tried reaching out to him and he wouldn’t tell her what was going on. So here we are basically in the dark wondering why he did this. I almost wonder if it was because he was basically lying to me every time he was with me. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t just tell me he was trans. Then again, I don’t know if I would’ve accepted him in the beginning knowing that fact. God, I’m just so confused. I can’t stop crying.
February 14th, 2017
I find myself coming back to you, seeking some sort of sympathy. My own pity party, I suppose. I just can’t believe it’s been two years since the love of my life has left me. So many unanswered questions. I will never be attracted to another person. I will always love him more than I ever will anyone else. There’s nothing like your first love. It’s an indescribable feeling. Well I’m not sure what else to write so I guess I’ll continue crying but stop here.
February 14th, 2018
So now after 3 years of being without my significant other, I’m questioning my sexuality. Am I straight? Am I gay? Am I pansexual? Am I a lesbian? What am I? There are just so many choices. I’m pretty much over the fact that Ryan was a pre-operation trans guy, but it leaves me wondering who I’m attracted to. Ryan was a girl this whole time. Does that make me a lesbian?
February 14th, 2018
After much thought, I think I’ve decided I’m pansexual. I obviously don’t have a problem dating trans guys and I could see myself with a girl, plus I judge people more on their personality than I do their looks. I just hope one day I can love again. I feel like I’ll never meet another person like Ryan. He was perfect. I still find myself wondering why he had to do this to me. I think it’s something I will never get over. I just hope he’s finally at peace with himself.
February 15th, 2018
I know I haven’t written much, I’m sorry. I’ve just been so busy. I’m in my first year at a four year college and I don’t think I’ve ever had this much homework. I’m trying to move on with my life, but it’s so difficult. Especially when you can’t find another person like your first love. I know it’s partly my fault, because I don’t ever give anyone a chance. I’m just so scared. I don’t want to be tricked again. I don’t want to lose someone again. Losing Ryan was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I know I have to move on.
I’m going to be posting some of my work from the class on here. I have 7 pieces. 4 poems, a short story, and a play. I just finished the revisions on all of them last night. I have to print them all out with the original before revisions and make it into a portfolio. Stay tuned. I’ll post one tonight and schedule some more for the week.
While on my way home from a small town this evening I found myself trying to think of blog posts since I haven’t posted one in a while. I had Spotify on and I was listening to the “Bullet for my Valentine” radio station. A song I’ve heard on this station before, and because it was my album of the month for August, was “True Friends” by Bring me the Horizon. The lyrics go like this: “I wouldn’t hold my breath if I was you, ‘Cause I’ll forget but I’ll never forgive you, Don’t you know, don’t you know? True friends stab you in the front”.
This resonates with me so much right now. I’ve recently lost my best friend, for about the 3rd time. No, she didn’t die. She basically disowned me. Again… You see… my best friend has a lot of problems. Being suicidal is #1. She’s been so depressed lately after her most recent suicide attempt a couple of months back. She never texts me back. She doesn’t text me at all. When I text her and ask her why she won’t text me back, she’ll say something smart-assy like “I didn’t know it was a requirement”. It really pisses me off. We hung out back in July and she was totally fine when we hung out. She wasn’t as talkative as usual, but she seemed like she was enjoying herself. She actually reached out to me at that time and asked me to hang out. I was surprised since she hadn’t been texting me much lately.
I’m very disappointed, to say the least. I haven’t talked to her since July. She’s since gone back to school in Chicago and I start college on Monday. I really wanted to be able to come home Monday and text her and tell her how awesome my 1st day of college was. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll be doing that. I’ve finally decided I’ve had enough. I know when people are depressed and suicidal you shouldn’t ditch them or stop being their friend, but I’ve had enough. I’m not reaching out to her anymore. I’m not texting her, not calling her. I may even take her off my Christmas card list. I just can’t take it. You’re supposed to be my best friend. We’ve been close since 2010. That’s 7 years. Where have those years gone? Apparently down the drain.
It’s so hard for me to make this decision. I have no idea how I’m going to react when she finally texts me out of the blue because I know she will eventually. She always does. I may want to text her back right then and there and be overjoyed to hear from her. However, I will have to stop myself and ignore the text. She’s pushing away all the people that care about her. I just don’t understand how she can do this. Throwing a friendship of almost a decade, well, we’ve known each other since we were kids, but throwing all that away? It’s just sad. I will always care for her, but I just can’t do it anymore.
So when your friend tries to commit suicide for the umpteenth time unsuccessfully and shuts you out. Don’t go pushing and fighting to retain their friendship. It’s not worth the drama. Lesson learned.
Good question, right? Here’s the dictionary’s definition:
1.feelings of severe despondency and dejection.“self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression”
How many of you have suffered depression? Have you been depressed and not known it was depression?
Depression is not being able to get out of bed in the morning.
Depression is not wanting to be around people.
Depression is not taking care of your well being.
So many more things…
I visited with my best friend today. She’s been having a real rough time. Every time she texts me, somewhere in the conversation I ask her how she is doing. Once that question is asked, she stops texting me and doesn’t answer the question. She said the question gives her anxiety. She has been so depressed lately. She has seldom reached out to me. How does one deal with this situation? Well, personally, I thought she was mad at me so I waited for her to text me. When she did finally decide to text me, it was a passive aggressive text indicating she would never be like me. I hate when she texts me these things. It makes me feel so bad. I know I shouldn’t let it get to me, but it does. I used to tell her to stop comparing herself to me. We’re two totally different people on different journeys. Lately, however, I’ve been ignoring these texts and wait for her to send a normal one. I’m not sure if she’s caught on to my reasoning as to why I don’t text her back. In truth, I don’t really know how to respond to these texts.
My best friend is diagnosed with major depressive disorder. As am I. The difference is, I’ve been through just as many different medications as she has, I just somehow found the ones that work for me. She hasn’t been so lucky. The number of times she’s tried to kill herself in the past few years is alarming. From drinking perfume to overdosing on pills. Most people tell me I don’t need that drama in my life and if she doesn’t appreciate me, she isn’t a true friend. Here’s the thing… I look past all that because I’ve been in the same situation. I’ve felt rock bottom, it hurts. I also know what it’s like to take medications that aren’t helping you and your doctor won’t listen to you about. I’ve done a lot of research on depression and schizophrenia in my life. I’ve always been trying to find the answers to why I am, and why she is, the way we are.
A lot of people ask me, “Why would you want to kill yourself?” or say “I don’t understand how you can think like that.” The world is ignorant to what they don’t understand. If you haven’t been through it yourself, you won’t understand. Why would I want to kill myself? Because I’m selfish. I’m tired of living with pain, day after day. I’m tired of getting up every morning to the same routine. I’m tired of being tired. People who haven’t lived it will never understand.
So, the moral of the story is… Don’t ever question someone when they are suicidal. Be there for their support. If they would like to tell you how they are feeling and why they feel like killing themselves, sit back and listen. Don’t judge. Don’t talk. Don’t push. Let them come to you.
For those of you considering suicide, we understand what you are going through. Don’t give up. Confide in someone you trust instead of isolating yourself. Get help. We love you.
Thank you first and foremost for checking out my blog. I’m not certain how long this blog will be up or if I will continue blogging after I start school, but I look forward to sharing my life with you and having you along my journey of this thing called “life”.
You may or may not have already noticed my facebook page located to the right of this advertising my books. That’s right. I’m a self-published author and let me tell you, it’s a difficult business. I think I have put more money into advertising my books than I have actually made off of them. Feel free to check them out, both available on amazon.com.
Two months ago I thought my journey in life was ending. They say “one door closes and another opens”. Well, one door opened and then kicked me right back out. I was in Cosmetology school from February 2016 – May 2017. I thought I was doing great. I thought I was going to make it big in the hair business. Little did I know, I didn’t have the skill. My teachers told me I had it and I believed them. However, when I got a job at SuperCuts, I learned I didn’t have the skill at all. I had the basics and pretty much everything I learned was thrown out the window. By June I got fired from SuperCuts because they felt they had trained me enough but I wasn’t working up to par. What a nightmare… So I had two choices. Leave the hair business behind and move forward, or continue working in the hair business. Seeing as I didn’t think I had the skill to be successful doing hair, I decided I wanted to go to college. Real college. By mid-June, I was already enrolling at Heartland Community College to pursue my Associates in English.
By June I got fired from SuperCuts because they felt they had trained me enough but I wasn’t working up to par. What a nightmare… So I had two choices. Leave the hair business behind and move forward, or continue working in the hair business. Seeing as I didn’t think I had the skill to be successful doing hair, I decided I wanted to go to college. Real college. By mid-June, I was already enrolling at Heartland Community College to pursue my Associates in English. When I get my mind set on something I want to get it done. However, I’m the type of person that once I get about half way through, I want to quit and start something else. I guess I have A.D.D.
So here I am, almost at the end of July and am looking forward to starting school in late August. I’m so anxious. I just hope I don’t overwhelm myself.
When I was in High School, I thought I was going to graduate then go to Cosmetology School. That was my only plan. I hated school, especially High School, and I couldn’t see myself going to college. After going through Cosmetology school at 25, I learned I can do homework and take tests, even as a late bloomer. I dropped out of high school my senior year, started a full-time job at a place that put me through pure hell (but I made pretty good money), and got my G. E. D. So after quitting the place I called Hell, I was unemployed for almost 2 years. I felt my only option was to go to Cosmetology school.
What you may not know, is that through all of this, I discovered just how mentally ill and mentally unstable I am. I have thrown crying fits at my husband because he couldn’t help me. I’ve cried myself to sleep. I’ve planned out ways to kill myself. I’ve self-harmed. Through all this, I’m still standing. You don’t even want to hear about my dark childhood. My parents did the best they could, but things happen, unfortunately.
At the end of the day, I just want people to know things get better. I’ve talked so many people out of suicide. My husband when we were in high school, and my best friend who struggles on a daily basis. Dealing with suicidal people is hard, but dealing with suicide is harder. Keep your family and friends close. You never know what they are going through.
That’s my rant for today. Thanks for sticking around. 😉