My Life

Wait, what religion are you?

So throughout my life, I’ve undergone many different religious “epiphanies”. Since I was very young, my Grandma raised me Christian in a Methodist church. I just kind of followed along with it. My Mom wasn’t really religious. Neither was my Dad. They didn’t go to church, pretty much ever. Grandma went to church EVERY. SUNDAY. 8AM Service. I went to my Grandma’s every weekend growing up.

When I was 13, I went through “confirmation” and joined the church and was baptized. I was very active in the church there for a while. I would volunteer to play piano for church and sing songs. It was a joke to me. I didn’t even know why I was doing it. I was religiously confused. As I got older, more and more I didn’t go to Grandma’s on the weekend because I didn’t want to have to go to church. While I was in High School, I considered myself an atheist. I didn’t believe in anything and quite honestly, I didn’t care. I literally did not care about anything, including my grades.

When I turned 18 I somehow found out about Paganism and Wicca. A year or so later I joined a coven. I felt like I was home. I loved my teachers, all the other members. It was perfect. I finally felt like I had found my religion. I did that for a few years. I was even married by a pagan High Priest from my coven and had the traditional handfasting ceremony. Everything was perfect.

I soon became bored with it and confused. “Is this really what I believe? Is this the right thing? Will I ever know what religion I’m supposed to me?” These were often thoughts I had to myself. All of a sudden, I stopped going to my coven’s meetings. I did solitary rituals and did a few spells here and there. I meditated a lot and had some short discussions with my Pagan God and Goddess. I would always question it. “Is it just my conscience talking to me or is it really the word of my deities?” Something in me just felt like what I was doing was betraying my Christian roots.

So I went back to that church in my early 20’s and started going to a non-denominational church which was led by the pastor of my old small church. He made the messages so relatable and I finally felt like I was in the right place. Then I got bored again. I went back to my coven. This cycle happened not once… but twice. I struggled to try to stay Christian knowing that so many (well, most) Christian’s are against gay marriage and the transgender community. I’m a huge supporter of the LGBT+ community and it’s one thing I really believe in as far as equality. I’m a very open-minded person.

This summer, the cycle started again. All of the last year I considered myself Christian and started finding myself posting bible verses on my facebook. I felt like that’s where I needed to be. I felt I was Christian. I went to a few church services between my home church and my other church I went to. Then starting this year, I felt I was Pagan again. So I started going back to my coven and I even went to their annual weekend camping trip, which I had so much fun at. However, I still just felt like I was doing something wrong.

Most recently, I decided to go back to church. The only problem was my home church is 20 minutes away and my other regular church that was in town disbanded due to lack of funds to keep it going. It was very disappointing. So I decided to try out my best friend’s church again. I was raised in a Methodist church, and I like the Methodist church. My best friend is Lutheran, which I consider very close to Catholic. While there is nothing wrong with being Lutheran or Catholic, I just don’t feel like those churches are for me.

As I was researching churches in town, I found so many of them on their websites saying that do not accept gay people. It really bugged me. How can you say you’re such a welcoming church and shun gay people? It’s stupid. After addressing this with my best friend, she suggested I try the Methodist church in our sister town. It’s about 15 minutes away from my house. That night I drove to the church and just sat in the parking lot and marveled at how huge the church was. I felt a spark in my soul. I talked to my Grandma about going there and come to find out, the co-pastor used to be a pastor at my home church and married my Mom and my biological father. So there was a connection.

I went to this church with my Mom the next Sunday. On the way there, I turned on some Christian music on Spotify on my phone and my Mom laughed at me. “What, are you, Grandma, now?” She asked. It bugged me a little, but I was trying to set the mood.

We were greeted by very friendly people at the door. It was a huge church, even bigger once you’re inside. The co-pastor who married my parents gave the sermon. There was something about her words that just resonated with me. The message was on kindness, something I need to be schooled on badly. After the service, I was happy, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to join just yet.

Today, Grandma drove to town and went to church with me. We talked with the co-pastor and she reminisced with Grandma a little. Grandma just spoke so highly of her. I could see why. She has an amazing personality and she is just one of the nicest people you will ever meet. So, today I decided I want to join the church. I’m also getting involved in the church. Next Sunday I have lunch with both Pastors to discuss joining the church. This coming Wednesday I’ll be packing meals with the church to support the community. Then next Tuesday I have a meeting to discuss starting a Young Adult group. I’m so excited. I finally feel like I’m a part of something big. Something that feels right.

At the end of the day, I feel like I’m always going to be Pagan deep down. Now I just consider myself ChristoPagan. A mix of Christian and Pagan. I believe in Jesus Christ, God, and my Goddess, Mary Magdalene. I may do spells here and there. I pray every night. But now I have a church to call home. I feel content and welcome.

I hope everyone found this insightful. Love is all around us.

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My Life

Religiously Confused

So for whatever reason, I get into these weird obsessed manic episodes where all of a sudden I want to be religious. I somehow convince myself that I’m wrong by practicing witchcraft and being Wiccan. Even though my whole life, I’ve always been drawn to nature and felt a magical feeling about it that really resonated with me.

Here’s why I’m confused. When I feel like I’m practicing the correct religion, I feel a blissful, calming feeling. When I was younger I would walk around barefoot in nature and just feel the wind blow through my hair. That would give me the blissful feeling. However, when I was baptized in a church at age 12, I also got that blissful feeling. So am I Christian or am I Wiccan? I’m confused.

Then another part of me wonders why I can’t do both. Religion to me isn’t about the afterlife. One thing that resonated with me in Wicca was the concept of reincarnation. I never have believed your soul dies and goes to heaven. I feel like spirits are everlasting. You come back into the world as something else, the moment you die.

I started looking at churches last night. There’s this one church one of my friend’s goes to that I’ve heard so many great things about called Vale church. I watched the hour-long service from last Sunday on my phone and thought it was okay. The pastor kept talking about how everyone was welcome in their church and I liked that. Then… I looked on their website about “what we believe”. They believe homosexuality is a sin and so is being transgender or nonbinary. Personally, I can’t be in a church that doesn’t support those 2 things. So that church is out.

I grew up in a Methodist church so I looked up different Methodist churches in town. There’s one I’m somewhat interested in called Wesley United Methodist church that’s located not too far from me. Their website seemed a lot more welcoming as far as types of people. I may try that church. However, today I’m attending a Lutheran church with my best friend that she’s been going to since she was young. She said last time I went I had a bad experience. I don’t really remember, plus that was almost 4 or 5 years ago so things could have changed. I’m looking forward to going to Bible study with her as well. Even though I’ve never believed in the Bible and that it is a sacred text written by Jesus’ followers, I do believe there are lessons to be learned in it and I’m all about learning more.

I guess if it all comes down to it, I could be what is called a Christopagan or a Christian Witch. I don’t really want to give up on Wicca entirely, but for some reason, it just feels wrong lately. I go through periods where I’m in denial about being Wiccan. As I was raised Christian, I feel that’s what I’m supposed to be. It’s what I know. I don’t really know. I guess I’ll write about my experience.

My Life

If you’re so “pansexual” have you even been with any girls?

A lot of people underestimate me when it comes to my sexuality. Especially since I’m married and have been with the same cis male for almost 10 years now. If you must know, I’ve been with 2 girls. I didn’t “date” either of them per se, but I did things with them sexually and got very close to them. I still find girls attractive and I’m sure if something happened between my husband and me, I’d probably be quick to seek out a girl or trans boy.

The first girl was when I was I think a junior in high school. She was dating one of my best guy friends. God, she was beautiful. I look at her facebook today and she still looks as amazing as the first day I met her. She’s got long wavy blonde hair. Beautiful eyes. Big boobs. (lol) She was and still is just beautiful. I got very close to her in high school. The joke was I had sex with her before her boyfriend (my guy friend) did. I will never forget all the nights at her house. The adventures. Watching movies. Kissing. It just felt so right. Maybe because the guy I was with at the time felt so wrong. I have this fond memory of seeing her over the summer before senior year at the mall. I was with my mom walking around. Next thing I know this girl jumps on me and hugs me, pushing me to the ground. It was so awkward but again, it felt so right. To this day, I still have feelings for her. She will always hold a piece of my heart. I will always love you MandaBoo. ❤

The 2nd girl, is kind of a funny story as well. You see, she was dating my uncle who is a year older than me. I found out about her through an ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. They were best friends. She also had long blonde hair and big boobs. I have a thing for blondes. I remember just chatting with her on myspace about nothing. One night her best friend (my ex’s ex) drove her over to my house at like 1AM. I went out there and I saw her, we instantly just clicked. We made out in front of my house for like half an hour. It was amazing. She was a great kisser. Not that the above girl wasn’t. We did some sexual things. My uncle never found out I had a fling with her. I don’t know what happened. We just kind of lost touch. We both moved on.

I have never been with a trans boy but I’ve always wanted to. I’ve been attracted to trans boys for as long as I can remember. It started with tomboys, then the androgynous girls. Then in high school, I met my first trans boy. He was so cute. We texted back and forth for about a week then he moved to the alternative school so we also lost touch.

I know this may have been a little bit too much information for some of my readers but I tried not to get too graphic. I just wanted to make a point that I am in fact pansexual and I have, in fact, been with 2 girls, for the record. Not that I should have to validate myself. 😉

My Life

Why all the labels?

So as mentioned in previous posts, I have many labels. I identify and genderqueer and pansexual. I’m a diagnosed schizophrenic. I consider my clothing style “Goth” and “Hippie”. So why all these labels?

They help me define who I am. However, you can let something define you without being a stereotype. Some people don’t like labels. That’s cool too. I personally, like labels so people understand me or get to know me more.

I may identify as genderqueer and pansexual, but I don’t look genderqueer or pansexual to most people. I’m married to a straight cis man. (If you must know, I’ve been with 2 girls…) I define myself as different. That’s why my username on all my social platforms is “beeurselph333”. It’s just a different way to spell “Be Yourself”. I came up with it around 2010 and haven’t stopped using it since. Again, it’s just me. I’m not the stereotypical “hipster” who is a hypocrite that goes around telling everyone, “Just be yourself. Stop trying to be like everyone else”. That’s just me being judgmental and rude, but that’s the truth. That’s how some people are.

I’ve been goth for as long as I can remember. I’ve only been wearing all black for the past 3 years. I’ve had a boho/hippie style off and on since getting my dreads in 2012. (picture above) I wear all black and some goth-aesthetic clothes, but most of my shirts are from Torrid or have something on them about being a hippie or free spirit. Yes, I do wear black. Every day. Year round. People I used to go to school with would see me outside of school and say “Oh, you’re still in all black…”, what did you expect? I’m goth. I don’t delve deep into the labels and say I’m “trad goth” or “nu goth” or “cyber goth”. I’m just… goth… with a little hippie mixed in.

Some people hate labels. Especially for your sexual orientation. A lot of people just say they are who they are, they don’t want to assign a label to it. That’s actually okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. As long as you are living life as your true self.

Here are my final words on this: At the end of the day, you can use a label; but you don’t have to be that stereotypical label to a ‘t’. You can be goth and not listen to goth bands. You can be genderqueer or androgynous and still wear dresses. You shouldn’t listen to all the elitists out there who tell you what you can and can’t wear or how you should act. At the end of the day, just be yourself, your true self. ❤

My Life

Makeup or no makeup?

So telling from my pictures you can probably tell I wear A LOT of makeup. Should every girl wear makeup? Should guys be able to wear makeup without criticism? What about all natural? It seems my generation and the generation of kids in high school right now are all about makeup.

Makeup to me (and my sister) is a hobby. It’s an expensive hobby at that. I don’t put makeup on for you. I don’t do it for my husband. I don’t do it for my family. I actually don’t even wear makeup on a daily basis. I decided early on that it should be a privilege for you to see me with makeup on. I do it for myself. I think I look great with makeup on. I feel like doing makeup is an art. I express myself with colorful eyeshadows and bulk up my lashes with thick mascara. I show my gothic side by wearing black eyeliner. I’m in on the eyebrow trend that’s been going on for the past year. I just love makeup.

As I said, I don’t wear makeup every day. Honestly, it’s mainly because I’m lazy. However, it is also because when I pass on, I want people to remember me as I was naturally. Not a cake face covered in makeup or a fake Barbie. I don’t feel it should be a requirement as a girl to wear makeup every day. If you don’t want to wear makeup every day, or even at all, do you boo. 😉 Do not ever let any man, boy, or mean girl tell you that you need makeup to look pretty. You’re beautiful as you are. Makeup is supposed to enhance your features, but it can also be used to make you look totally different. Whichever way you choose is up to you. There really are no rules in makeup. I’ve learned there are makeup tutorials all over YouTube, but so many people do their makeup different than the next person.

When I was in Cosmetology school, we had a week process of learning how to do makeup. Honestly, I thought it was a load of crap. It really didn’t teach us anything we didn’t already know. All the girls in my class were younger than me, but each one of them knew how to contour and highlight. We had to practice doing makeup on each other. My friend did mine and I didn’t like it. I didn’t hate it, it was just different than how I usually did my makeup. It just brought to my attention that we all do makeup differently.

Do you see these little girls on YouTube doing makeup tutorials? Like girl, go play with Barbies. You’re too young for this. I started wearing small amounts of makeup in grade school. In junior high, I added a little more. Mainly eyeliner and mascara. When I was in high school was when I started getting the hang of it and got really creative. I was amazing at makeup in high school. Not that I’m not today. 😀 My sister started doing makeup in junior high and let me tell you, now at 16, she’s slaying the game. Her eyebrows are always on “fleek”. She’s great at doing makeup. She could be a professional makeup artist. She’s the one that basically introduced me to makeup tutorials on YouTube. There are so many. I mainly watch Jeffree Star, Kat Von D, Kylie Jenner, It’s Black Friday, ReeRee Phillips, and Drac Makens. (I’m a goth, what can I say?) I have 4 different palettes and multiple Kylie lip kits and Jeffree and Kat Von D liquid lips.

Speaking of Jeffree Star, who said boys couldn’t do makeup? Again, Jeffree Star and Manny Mua SLAYING the game. I can’t believe just how great some guys look with makeup. They make us girls look like amateurs! Let boys play with makeup, even if they don’t identify as gay or bi. What’s wrong with a straight boy playing with makeup? It’s too “girly” for him to play with makeup and makes him less of a “man”? Again, do you honey. Do not let society dictate what you do and how you live your life.

Long live makeup!

My Life

Why I’ve chosen not to have kids

Reproducing, huh? Everyone seems to be doing it. (No pun intended) Most people after they settle down and get married start to think about having kids. Some people have kids before they’re even ready. Then there’s us. The small percentage of the population that has chosen not to have children.

“Why?” you may ask. My response is “Why should I?” What’s so great about having kids? My husband and I have always been somewhat awkward around kids. I personally am not a huge fan of kids. Mainly because I have a quick temper and I’m impatient.

Today I went with my mom to hang out with my little cousins ages 7 and 2 I believe. The 7-year-old girl warmed up to me pretty fast. She sat down next to me and started blabbing about how she “hates” this and “hates” that. I explained to her that hating something is not very nice. “Do you hate everything?” I asked her. “No. I don’t hate you. I don’t hate my brother. I don’t hate my dog.” was her response. Mind you the mother of these children has brainwashed them both. She herself has a multitude of problems. Later when the kids were eating the 7-year-old kept hitting her 2-year-old brother and saying he hit her. I watched the whole thing. He didn’t lay a finger on her. When my mom took her upstairs to change clothes she put on a long sleeve shirt and leggings. It was around 80 some degrees out today. It was hot. She made it a point to let us know she’s cold in the summer and hot in the winter. Now to most people, this might sound like regular child like behavior. To me, it was annoying.

When we were in the car waiting for their mom to pick them up, the 7-year-old got out of her car seat and started climbing around the car like a jungle gym. She climbed onto the head rests of the front seats and put her feet in my mom’s face. My mom told her to act right and she actually started yelling at my mom! “Who do you think you’re yelling at?” I asked her. She didn’t answer me. She just kept arguing with my mom. See, here’s the problem. If that was my child, I’d probably have DCFS called on me because I would smack her upside her head. However, in this situation, she’s not my child and I was not in charge of her at this point. Now I’m a liberal as much as the next millenial, but I still believe in scolding your children. Maybe not abusing them or neglecting them, but spanking or smacking them when they need it. I learned at a young age, time out doesn’t nothing for me. How do I know it would work on any other kid?

Want to know the main reason I don’t want to have kids? They are embarrassing. You have to drag them everywhere and most will throw fits when they don’t get what they want. They’re rude, disrespectful, and annoying. Again, this is my personal opinion because I’m not a kid person. My husband’s reasoning behind not wanting children is because he doesn’t want to raise a child in the cruel world of today’s society. He was bullied as a child and he doesn’t want our child to go through that. Another reason he doesn’t want kids is because we would be passing on our mental health issues to a child, who doesn’t deserve to live with them. How do you respond to “Why do I feel like this?” when your child is depressed? I’m a heavily medicated, diagnosed schizophrenic and my husband has major depression. I would never want a child to have to deal with that.

My mom has even told me she doesn’t think I should have kids. That must mean something, right? From the age of 14, I practically raised my 4-year-old sister myself. My step-dad worked nights and my mom was gone for over 6 months for training to be a flight attendant. I was in charge of making sure my sister ate and did what she needed to do. Awesome, a free babysitter, right? Wrong. Not awesome. This is another reason I don’t want to have kids. I was in charge of my sister for many years and in a way, to me, that was like raising my old child.

We all have different opinions on children. Most people love them. Trust me, I’ve tried to love them. I don’t. My husband doesn’t either. There’s no doubt in our minds, even only at age 26, we are not having children. To much dismay of our peers and family, it just isn’t happening. There are so many people I know that are living their lives without having kids. To me, it looks like a pretty decent way to live. Sure we won’t have kids to throw us in a nursing home when we get old, but at least we’ll die together knowing we loved each other and we didn’t let a kid tear our marriage apart.

Just one woman’s perspective of life without kids. If you want kids, more power to you. We live in America where you have the freedom to do pretty much whatever you want. I won’t lose any respect for you if you have kids, I’ll actually gain respect, for I cannot deal with kids.

My Life

Ferrets as pets? Are you crazy???

A lot of people don’t know how to respond when I talk about my “babies”. I don’t have children, but I consider my 4 pet ferrets my children. “Don’t they stink?” “Do they bite?” “Are they litter trained?” Some of the questions I’m frequently asked. No. No. And yes.

There’s a common belief around people that ferrets stink. I can assure you, their cage doesn’t always smell like roses. However, if you give them baths every month and clean out their litter boxes frequently in their cage, there won’t be much smell. Then again, I’m in the U.S. and here it’s illegal for ferrets to not be de-scented. Personally, I can’t smell anything off and neither can my husband. My sister and mom both say when they walk in my house they can smell it. I’d like to point out that they own 3 dogs and a cat and their house smells like dogs, so what’s the difference?

Ferrets have a natural instinct to be litter trained. They are actually very clean animals. Not rodents! Don’t ever call a ferret a rodent in front of a ferret owner, you will regret it. 😉 When we purchased each of our 4 ferrets from Petco, they were in a plastic dome like cage with paper pet bedding and a small igloo to sleep in. Now, this is a debate with ferret owners, how to house them. I’d venture to say about 90% of ferret owners would tell you they need to be in a metal barred cage with multiple levels, litter boxes on each level (depending how many ferrets you have), lots of blankets and old t-shirts as bedding, and multiple hammocks and hanging bed throughout the cage.

When we first purchased our first ferrets in 2011, we had absolutely no idea what we were doing. We purchased a generic cage from Petco that had multiple levels and seemed secure enough, pet bedding, litter boxes, ferret litter, water bottle, food bowl, hammocks, the works. I started noticing after a few weeks that both ferrets seemed to have some type of sinus problems. I researched online and found out you are NOT supposed to use the paper pet bedding in ferret cages. It causes respiratory infections. We quickly removed the pet bedding and replaced it with some old shirts.

Are they litter trained? Get to the point… YES! However, when they are free roaming through the house during play time, they have accidents on the floor. We made a makeshift litter box out of a small rubber made tub and cut a door into it. They used it for about a year then started to ignore it. When they are in their cage though, they ALWAYS use the litter box. A side note, you should not use cat litter for your ferrets as the dust can also cause respiratory infections. We use the Marshall brand ferret litter that is paper pellets. We’ve never had any problems with it. We also have 2 litter boxes on the lowest level and 2 litter boxes on the highest level. (We have a 2 level Ferret Nation cage. Expensive, but worth every penny!)

They do bite from time to time. That’s something you have to work with them on. When we purchased our first 2 ferrets as babies, my male bit me the first night I tried to hold him and drew blood. That was the point where I thought maybe having ferrets wasn’t such a good idea. I can tell you that now at 6 years old that ferret still bites, but not hard. He more or less nibbles on your finger and play bites. It doesn’t hurt. Our youngest male that we purchased in 2014 has been the worst about biting. He was such a sweet little baby but as he got older he started fighting hardcore with our female. He learned to defend himself pretty quickly. Whenever we would play with him he would bite us, hard. I started scruffing him (pinching the skin on the back of his neck like a mother would do to move her babies, it doesn’t hurt them.) and telling him “No!” in a very stern voice. It took a few years, but now he play bites very gently.

Ferrets are amazing pets. They sleep 18 hours a day. They’re litter trained. Not to mention, they are so much fun! If you’re thinking about getting a ferret or would like to learn more about them, I recommend http://www.ferret-world.com. It’s an amazing resource.