My Life

Religiously Confused

So for whatever reason, I get into these weird obsessed manic episodes where all of a sudden I want to be religious. I somehow convince myself that I’m wrong by practicing witchcraft and being Wiccan. Even though my whole life, I’ve always been drawn to nature and felt a magical feeling about it that really resonated with me.

Here’s why I’m confused. When I feel like I’m practicing the correct religion, I feel a blissful, calming feeling. When I was younger I would walk around barefoot in nature and just feel the wind blow through my hair. That would give me the blissful feeling. However, when I was baptized in a church at age 12, I also got that blissful feeling. So am I Christian or am I Wiccan? I’m confused.

Then another part of me wonders why I can’t do both. Religion to me isn’t about the afterlife. One thing that resonated with me in Wicca was the concept of reincarnation. I never have believed your soul dies and goes to heaven. I feel like spirits are everlasting. You come back into the world as something else, the moment you die.

I started looking at churches last night. There’s this one church one of my friend’s goes to that I’ve heard so many great things about called Vale church. I watched the hour-long service from last Sunday on my phone and thought it was okay. The pastor kept talking about how everyone was welcome in their church and I liked that. Then… I looked on their website about “what we believe”. They believe homosexuality is a sin and so is being transgender or nonbinary. Personally, I can’t be in a church that doesn’t support those 2 things. So that church is out.

I grew up in a Methodist church so I looked up different Methodist churches in town. There’s one I’m somewhat interested in called Wesley United Methodist church that’s located not too far from me. Their website seemed a lot more welcoming as far as types of people. I may try that church. However, today I’m attending a Lutheran church with my best friend that she’s been going to since she was young. She said last time I went I had a bad experience. I don’t really remember, plus that was almost 4 or 5 years ago so things could have changed. I’m looking forward to going to Bible study with her as well. Even though I’ve never believed in the Bible and that it is a sacred text written by Jesus’ followers, I do believe there are lessons to be learned in it and I’m all about learning more.

I guess if it all comes down to it, I could be what is called a Christopagan or a Christian Witch. I don’t really want to give up on Wicca entirely, but for some reason, it just feels wrong lately. I go through periods where I’m in denial about being Wiccan. As I was raised Christian, I feel that’s what I’m supposed to be. It’s what I know. I don’t really know. I guess I’ll write about my experience.

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My Life

Life Update

So I got my hair cut. Short. Again… [lol] I also colored it blue. I think it looks lovely. I loved my hair blue. I’ve gotten a lot of compliments so far. I believe it suits me.

I start school a week from this coming Monday. I’m so excited, anxious, and nervous. I’m interested to see how much homework I have for each class. I’m really excited for the Intro to Psychology and Literature in Film classes. I’m just worried Logan won’t have been switched to nights my first day of class. They still haven’t let him know much about when he’s being moved. You see, we only have one car…

It’s going to be so nice when he gets that extra pay per week. I have a credit card that is almost maxed out and another credit card that is maxed out. I’m just excited to get out of debt and be able to pay off my college tuitions.

However, I’m not looking forward to Logan not being beside me when I go to sleep at night. Ever since we moved in together I have always had the fear that someone is going to break into our house in the middle of the night and I’m not going to wake up for it. So now, he’s going to be working from 7PM-7AM and I’m scared to sleep by myself.

I thought about getting a gun. Then I remembered I have been suicidal in the past and it’s probably not a good idea for me to have a gun. I told Logan if he ever wanted to get one to keep it where I couldn’t access it. Since we will have the extra income I’m thinking about getting a security system. We’ll see.

Once we get most of everything paid off, we can finally get another car, start upgrading the house, get central air conditioning installed, and get both of us some well over due dental work. I know I have high hopes. I just hope it all works out and I don’t jinx it.

I posted my August reviews. I know it’s a bit early. I questioned if I should do a “CD” review since I don’t believe anyone buys CD’s anymore except me. I did include it with a link to the album on Amazon in case you want to sample it or buy it.

Not that much has been going on. I’ve been helping my Aunt with stuff for an upcoming court date. I’ve been spending too much money on my credit card online. I always buy so much clothing and makeup! That’s about all that’s going on here. I apologize for not writing recently. I’ve been out of ideas on what to write about. Hope you all are well!

My Life

If you’re so “pansexual” have you even been with any girls?

A lot of people underestimate me when it comes to my sexuality. Especially since I’m married and have been with the same cis male for almost 10 years now. If you must know, I’ve been with 2 girls. I didn’t “date” either of them per se, but I did things with them sexually and got very close to them. I still find girls attractive and I’m sure if something happened between my husband and me, I’d probably be quick to seek out a girl or trans boy.

The first girl was when I was I think a junior in high school. She was dating one of my best guy friends. God, she was beautiful. I look at her facebook today and she still looks as amazing as the first day I met her. She’s got long wavy blonde hair. Beautiful eyes. Big boobs. (lol) She was and still is just beautiful. I got very close to her in high school. The joke was I had sex with her before her boyfriend (my guy friend) did. I will never forget all the nights at her house. The adventures. Watching movies. Kissing. It just felt so right. Maybe because the guy I was with at the time felt so wrong. I have this fond memory of seeing her over the summer before senior year at the mall. I was with my mom walking around. Next thing I know this girl jumps on me and hugs me, pushing me to the ground. It was so awkward but again, it felt so right. To this day, I still have feelings for her. She will always hold a piece of my heart. I will always love you MandaBoo. ❤

The 2nd girl, is kind of a funny story as well. You see, she was dating my uncle who is a year older than me. I found out about her through an ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. They were best friends. She also had long blonde hair and big boobs. I have a thing for blondes. I remember just chatting with her on myspace about nothing. One night her best friend (my ex’s ex) drove her over to my house at like 1AM. I went out there and I saw her, we instantly just clicked. We made out in front of my house for like half an hour. It was amazing. She was a great kisser. Not that the above girl wasn’t. We did some sexual things. My uncle never found out I had a fling with her. I don’t know what happened. We just kind of lost touch. We both moved on.

I have never been with a trans boy but I’ve always wanted to. I’ve been attracted to trans boys for as long as I can remember. It started with tomboys, then the androgynous girls. Then in high school, I met my first trans boy. He was so cute. We texted back and forth for about a week then he moved to the alternative school so we also lost touch.

I know this may have been a little bit too much information for some of my readers but I tried not to get too graphic. I just wanted to make a point that I am in fact pansexual and I have, in fact, been with 2 girls, for the record. Not that I should have to validate myself. 😉

My Life

Why all the labels?

So as mentioned in previous posts, I have many labels. I identify and genderqueer and pansexual. I’m a diagnosed schizophrenic. I consider my clothing style “Goth” and “Hippie”. So why all these labels?

They help me define who I am. However, you can let something define you without being a stereotype. Some people don’t like labels. That’s cool too. I personally, like labels so people understand me or get to know me more.

I may identify as genderqueer and pansexual, but I don’t look genderqueer or pansexual to most people. I’m married to a straight cis man. (If you must know, I’ve been with 2 girls…) I define myself as different. That’s why my username on all my social platforms is “beeurselph333”. It’s just a different way to spell “Be Yourself”. I came up with it around 2010 and haven’t stopped using it since. Again, it’s just me. I’m not the stereotypical “hipster” who is a hypocrite that goes around telling everyone, “Just be yourself. Stop trying to be like everyone else”. That’s just me being judgmental and rude, but that’s the truth. That’s how some people are.

I’ve been goth for as long as I can remember. I’ve only been wearing all black for the past 3 years. I’ve had a boho/hippie style off and on since getting my dreads in 2012. (picture above) I wear all black and some goth-aesthetic clothes, but most of my shirts are from Torrid or have something on them about being a hippie or free spirit. Yes, I do wear black. Every day. Year round. People I used to go to school with would see me outside of school and say “Oh, you’re still in all black…”, what did you expect? I’m goth. I don’t delve deep into the labels and say I’m “trad goth” or “nu goth” or “cyber goth”. I’m just… goth… with a little hippie mixed in.

Some people hate labels. Especially for your sexual orientation. A lot of people just say they are who they are, they don’t want to assign a label to it. That’s actually okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. As long as you are living life as your true self.

Here are my final words on this: At the end of the day, you can use a label; but you don’t have to be that stereotypical label to a ‘t’. You can be goth and not listen to goth bands. You can be genderqueer or androgynous and still wear dresses. You shouldn’t listen to all the elitists out there who tell you what you can and can’t wear or how you should act. At the end of the day, just be yourself, your true self. ❤

My Life

Sibling age gaps

If you’ve been reading my posts you may know that I have a sister. We have a 10-year gap between us. What was it like for me in the beginning up to now?

When I found out my mom was pregnant with my sister, I completely shut down. I didn’t understand. I was 10 years old and an only child. I loved being an only child. How could my parents do this to me? It made me really depressed. That’s when I started acting out and getting bad grades.

When my sister was born, I was still confused on how I felt about her. I held her a few times. I changed her diaper maybe once or twice. I got yelled at by my step-dad because they were stupid enough to lay her on the couch when she was an infant and I was supposed to watch her. Well, she rolled off the couch. Of course, it was MY fault, because I wasn’t watching her. Even though my sister was a good baby, she annoyed the living crap out of me. The amount of attention everyone was giving her really got to me. That’s when I started to become a very angry child.

By the time my sister was 2, I really didn’t have a problem with her. She was actually pretty funny. I would record her on my grandma’s video camera singing or saying funny things. It was fun. However, I couldn’t shake the jealousy I had over how much attention my step-dad gave her compared to me. I mean, I understand it’s different because she’s his child by blood, but I came first. When you got with my mom, you knew what you were getting yourself into. Believe me, he did. I put up a protest when he got with my mom, to the point, he almost left her (so she says).

When she was 4 is when I really started to love her. I was still jealous of her, but I loved her. I was 14, my cousin was 10; we would make my sister play parts in the movies we made on grandma’s video camera with Barbie’s. She did pretty well. We even recorded a fashion show when I did both of their makeup and picked out their outfits. I even made a few music videos with her. We had fun. However, that’s my end of the spectrum. Not everything was always so fun for her. I TORMENTED her. Constantly. She had this Dora the Explorer backpack that sang. I would put it at the top of the stairs and hide behind a wall with my scary alien mask on. I’d yell down to her to come get her Dora backpack and I’d scare the living crap out of her. That was just ONE of the ways I tortured her. I also had a problem when I was 14, 15, 16, and 17 with sneaking boys over when I was supposed to be watching her. We would go in my room and… do things… while my poor sister was downstairs. Not many people know that. To this day I still regret being such a sleeze in front of my sister and not spending time with her. She didn’t need to deal with that, especially at such a young age. I will always be sorry for that.

Fast forward… When I moved out on my (then boyfriend, now husband)’s 18th birthday during the summer, it was pretty hard. After living with your family for so many years and being comfortable with the way things were, it was hard to leave them knowing you wouldn’t see them much. Obviously, I didn’t feel that way at the time I moved out. I was happy as hell to get out of that house and away from those people. All I did was fight with my parents all the time. Especially my step-dad. I was basically their free babysitter, so I was happy to get away and spend my days with the love of my life.

When we were finally tired of dealing with our apartment, we decided we wanted to rent a house. Well, we couldn’t find any nice houses with cheap enough rent. You know what we did? The house next door to my parent’s house that I grew up in had been for sale for almost 2 years. No one wanted it. We decided to buy it. I hated living in my apartment and not seeing my sister or my parents. We honestly never saw them. They hardly visited. I went to their house every once in a while. We didn’t really call each other. It was crazy. So when we bought the house it became a major convenience and brought me and my sister closer than ever.

My sister and I may be polar opposites, but we are good sisters to each other. We always try to help each other out. We talk almost daily. I love her like she’s my own daughter or best friend. I’m not sure what I’d do without her. She’s the greatest sister I could ever ask for. After all those years of being jealous of her, I kinda still am, but I still love her. I guess there will always be sibling rivalry.

My Life

What is this whole gender thing?

So there’s a lot of controversies right now around being transgender and other genders. A lot of people are wondering, “Since when is there more than 2 genders?” Well let me tell you. I know for a fact that there were transgender men and women all the way back to the 70’s. It just wasn’t accepted then. It was a thing of the future and ignorant people didn’t understand it so they were afraid of it.

If you know me well, you know I myself identify as genderqueer. I’ve been this way for a long time, I just recently found a term that I identify with. What is genderqueer? It’s different things for different people. For me, it means I do not identify as male or female. For some people it means they identify as both. So then comes the question, “well what about pronouns?” Since I don’t publicly tell everyone I’m genderqueer, I really don’t care if I get called “She”. The pronoun thing has never mattered to me. If that’s the gender a person sees me as then that’s their opinion and they are entitled to it. That’s just the way I am. This is more of an issue for transgender people. Pronouns are typically a big thing with them because they want to validate who they really are. I’ve just accepted the fact that most of my family and friends would be uncomfortable calling me “they” or “them”, so I let them use “she”/”her” since I was born female.

“How do you dress?” How ever I want to. Maybe I’ll wear a dress and leggings. Maybe I’ll wear guys jeans with a t-shirt and a breast binder. Most days, I wear a bra, t-shirt and girls jeans. Does that make me any less genderqueer? No. I am who I am and that’s all there is to it. How do I do my hair? Well, for the last almost 2 years it has been a type of pixie. I started growing it out earlier this year and it’s almost to my shoulders. Recently I’ve decided to get it cut short again because I’m tired of dealing with it. It’s easier to manage short and I think I look better with short hair.

So let’s talk gender. Here’s from wikipedia: Genderqueer (GQ), also termed non-binary (NB), is a catch-all category for gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine‍—‌identities which are thus outside of the gender binary and cisnormativity.[1] Genderqueer people may express a combination of masculinity and femininity, or neither, in their gender expression. Genderqueer can also be called “Gender Fluid” or “Agender”.

In case you don’t understand the term “transgender” by now, this is from the gender.wikia page: Transgender or Transexuality is an umbrella term for anyone whose internal experience of gender does not match the gender they were assigned at birth (normally based on genitalia). Transgender people often experience discomfort or distress due to their gender not being recognized by others, and therefore wish to transition to being viewed as their true gender identity.

So I’m a big LGBTQ+ supporter. I have been since I was a child. I grew up around gay men and lesbian women because my mom had multiple friends that were. I watch the show “I am Jazz” and I’ve watched Caitlyn Jenner’s show “I am Cait”. I’ve also watched the ABC Family series “Becoming Us” a year or so when it was on. I’ve done my research. I’ve found that today’s millennial generation is more accepting of gender identity than the older generations. Again, people don’t like what they don’t understand. So we need to educate them. Not everyone has a supportive family when it comes to their being transgender or nonbinary.

Do your research. Read up about it. When you meet someone that is transgender or genderqueer, ask them what pronouns they prefer. Stop being stuck in the old ways just because you don’t think it’s natural. Times have changed and they are only going to change more as time goes on so you must learn to adapt.

My Life

Makeup or no makeup?

So telling from my pictures you can probably tell I wear A LOT of makeup. Should every girl wear makeup? Should guys be able to wear makeup without criticism? What about all natural? It seems my generation and the generation of kids in high school right now are all about makeup.

Makeup to me (and my sister) is a hobby. It’s an expensive hobby at that. I don’t put makeup on for you. I don’t do it for my husband. I don’t do it for my family. I actually don’t even wear makeup on a daily basis. I decided early on that it should be a privilege for you to see me with makeup on. I do it for myself. I think I look great with makeup on. I feel like doing makeup is an art. I express myself with colorful eyeshadows and bulk up my lashes with thick mascara. I show my gothic side by wearing black eyeliner. I’m in on the eyebrow trend that’s been going on for the past year. I just love makeup.

As I said, I don’t wear makeup every day. Honestly, it’s mainly because I’m lazy. However, it is also because when I pass on, I want people to remember me as I was naturally. Not a cake face covered in makeup or a fake Barbie. I don’t feel it should be a requirement as a girl to wear makeup every day. If you don’t want to wear makeup every day, or even at all, do you boo. 😉 Do not ever let any man, boy, or mean girl tell you that you need makeup to look pretty. You’re beautiful as you are. Makeup is supposed to enhance your features, but it can also be used to make you look totally different. Whichever way you choose is up to you. There really are no rules in makeup. I’ve learned there are makeup tutorials all over YouTube, but so many people do their makeup different than the next person.

When I was in Cosmetology school, we had a week process of learning how to do makeup. Honestly, I thought it was a load of crap. It really didn’t teach us anything we didn’t already know. All the girls in my class were younger than me, but each one of them knew how to contour and highlight. We had to practice doing makeup on each other. My friend did mine and I didn’t like it. I didn’t hate it, it was just different than how I usually did my makeup. It just brought to my attention that we all do makeup differently.

Do you see these little girls on YouTube doing makeup tutorials? Like girl, go play with Barbies. You’re too young for this. I started wearing small amounts of makeup in grade school. In junior high, I added a little more. Mainly eyeliner and mascara. When I was in high school was when I started getting the hang of it and got really creative. I was amazing at makeup in high school. Not that I’m not today. 😀 My sister started doing makeup in junior high and let me tell you, now at 16, she’s slaying the game. Her eyebrows are always on “fleek”. She’s great at doing makeup. She could be a professional makeup artist. She’s the one that basically introduced me to makeup tutorials on YouTube. There are so many. I mainly watch Jeffree Star, Kat Von D, Kylie Jenner, It’s Black Friday, ReeRee Phillips, and Drac Makens. (I’m a goth, what can I say?) I have 4 different palettes and multiple Kylie lip kits and Jeffree and Kat Von D liquid lips.

Speaking of Jeffree Star, who said boys couldn’t do makeup? Again, Jeffree Star and Manny Mua SLAYING the game. I can’t believe just how great some guys look with makeup. They make us girls look like amateurs! Let boys play with makeup, even if they don’t identify as gay or bi. What’s wrong with a straight boy playing with makeup? It’s too “girly” for him to play with makeup and makes him less of a “man”? Again, do you honey. Do not let society dictate what you do and how you live your life.

Long live makeup!