My Life

Night shift and marriage

So my husband started working a 12 hour night shift about 4 months ago. Let’s just say it’s been difficult…

He works from 7PM-7AM 3 days on, 2 days off; then 2 days on 3 days off. Basically he’s off every other weekend.

I’ve noticed myself feeling distant from him for a while now. He says we’re still close, but I don’t feel it.

His sleep schedule is erratic for a lack of a better word. He comes home on his days off at 7AM and plays video games until noon then goes to bed. On his days off he gets up at 8pm and stays up all night playing video games until noon the next day. It’s not a good schedule and I feel like he isn’t getting enough sleep.

I rarely see him and when I do it’s when he’s leaving for work or in the morning before I go to school. I don’t see him that much on his days off because I’m hanging out with friends or family. So I feel like I never get a chance to talk to him. When I do talk to him I have to update him on everything that’s gone on. Then he will proceed to talk to me about work for an hour.

So how does this affect our marriage? As I said, we rarely talk. We’re never in bed at the same time. We each do our own thing when we’re home. It’s like living with a roommate and it’s very hard. I miss him so much. I miss talking to him and being together.

However, I’ve found out how much I like to be independent now. I make my own food, I have my own schedule. I go to school, come home and do homework, hang out with my dog, and run any errands that need to be done.

Because I’m so heavily medicated, there are days I don’t even notice he’s been home because I’m in my own little world. It’s like if I don’t think about him I don’t miss him. On weekends is really when I start to miss him.

So I guess the positive of night shift in a marriage is you become more independent and can do whatever you want; but you will eventually miss your spouse.

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My Life

Starting my 2nd semester

So I was very nervous to start my second semester of community college. Today was my second day.

So far I’m really looking forward to my World Religions, American Literature, and Creative Writing classes. Hoping they help mold me into becoming a better author. Also crossing my fingers for more A’s this semester.

I’m taking on a full load, 5 classes instead of 4 which I had last semester. Thus far, all my teachers are amazing. I’m just a bit discouraged that I already have so much homework. Hopefully I can catch up.

So I finished my book last week. One of my friends decided to be a beta reader and gave me some discouraging feedback so I’m at a standstill at this point. My editor won’t have a chance to edit until probably February so it’s looking like maybe late February, early March it will get published. Logan and I are still currently working on the cover. Hoping to get that done soon for promos.

If you’ve read my books, please give me words of encouragement. I’m really feeling like a crappy writer right now.

My Life

Updates

So as you may know, I just finished my first semester of college at Heartland Community College. I’ve been off since December and don’t go back until January 17th. I’m so anxious to start my new classes.

I’ll be taking Algebra, World Religions, English 102, American Literature, and Creative Writing.

Last semester I ended with an A in English, A in Literature and Film, C in Psychology, and a D in Algebra.

I’m beyond excited to start my new classes, especially World Religions and Creative Writing.

It’s been an interesting journey thus far. I’m always one of the oldest people in my class. I constantly feel like I’m not as smart as these kids who are just out of high school. They blurt out answers to questions that sound so much smarter than anything I’ve thought of.

I’ve been having quite the hard time in Math. Unfortunately everything is done online and the teachers aren’t very helpful. So pray with me that I pass this math class.

Lucky is a spoiled little sweetie. She doesn’t cuddle with me as much but she loves playing in the snow. She’s really taken a liking to Logan too. I just love her so much. 💜

I’m about to finish my third book. I shouldn’t even call it a book, it’s more of a short story. I’m trying to get it done before I go back to school.

sorry I posted this late! Forgot to post it a few weeks ago.

My Life

Wait, what religion are you?

So throughout my life, I’ve undergone many different religious “epiphanies”. Since I was very young, my Grandma raised me Christian in a Methodist church. I just kind of followed along with it. My Mom wasn’t really religious. Neither was my Dad. They didn’t go to church, pretty much ever. Grandma went to church EVERY. SUNDAY. 8AM Service. I went to my Grandma’s every weekend growing up.

When I was 13, I went through “confirmation” and joined the church and was baptized. I was very active in the church there for a while. I would volunteer to play piano for church and sing songs. It was a joke to me. I didn’t even know why I was doing it. I was religiously confused. As I got older, more and more I didn’t go to Grandma’s on the weekend because I didn’t want to have to go to church. While I was in High School, I considered myself an atheist. I didn’t believe in anything and quite honestly, I didn’t care. I literally did not care about anything, including my grades.

When I turned 18 I somehow found out about Paganism and Wicca. A year or so later I joined a coven. I felt like I was home. I loved my teachers, all the other members. It was perfect. I finally felt like I had found my religion. I did that for a few years. I was even married by a pagan High Priest from my coven and had the traditional handfasting ceremony. Everything was perfect.

I soon became bored with it and confused. “Is this really what I believe? Is this the right thing? Will I ever know what religion I’m supposed to me?” These were often thoughts I had to myself. All of a sudden, I stopped going to my coven’s meetings. I did solitary rituals and did a few spells here and there. I meditated a lot and had some short discussions with my Pagan God and Goddess. I would always question it. “Is it just my conscience talking to me or is it really the word of my deities?” Something in me just felt like what I was doing was betraying my Christian roots.

So I went back to that church in my early 20’s and started going to a non-denominational church which was led by the pastor of my old small church. He made the messages so relatable and I finally felt like I was in the right place. Then I got bored again. I went back to my coven. This cycle happened not once… but twice. I struggled to try to stay Christian knowing that so many (well, most) Christian’s are against gay marriage and the transgender community. I’m a huge supporter of the LGBT+ community and it’s one thing I really believe in as far as equality. I’m a very open-minded person.

This summer, the cycle started again. All of the last year I considered myself Christian and started finding myself posting bible verses on my facebook. I felt like that’s where I needed to be. I felt I was Christian. I went to a few church services between my home church and my other church I went to. Then starting this year, I felt I was Pagan again. So I started going back to my coven and I even went to their annual weekend camping trip, which I had so much fun at. However, I still just felt like I was doing something wrong.

Most recently, I decided to go back to church. The only problem was my home church is 20 minutes away and my other regular church that was in town disbanded due to lack of funds to keep it going. It was very disappointing. So I decided to try out my best friend’s church again. I was raised in a Methodist church, and I like the Methodist church. My best friend is Lutheran, which I consider very close to Catholic. While there is nothing wrong with being Lutheran or Catholic, I just don’t feel like those churches are for me.

As I was researching churches in town, I found so many of them on their websites saying that do not accept gay people. It really bugged me. How can you say you’re such a welcoming church and shun gay people? It’s stupid. After addressing this with my best friend, she suggested I try the Methodist church in our sister town. It’s about 15 minutes away from my house. That night I drove to the church and just sat in the parking lot and marveled at how huge the church was. I felt a spark in my soul. I talked to my Grandma about going there and come to find out, the co-pastor used to be a pastor at my home church and married my Mom and my biological father. So there was a connection.

I went to this church with my Mom the next Sunday. On the way there, I turned on some Christian music on Spotify on my phone and my Mom laughed at me. “What, are you, Grandma, now?” She asked. It bugged me a little, but I was trying to set the mood.

We were greeted by very friendly people at the door. It was a huge church, even bigger once you’re inside. The co-pastor who married my parents gave the sermon. There was something about her words that just resonated with me. The message was on kindness, something I need to be schooled on badly. After the service, I was happy, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to join just yet.

Today, Grandma drove to town and went to church with me. We talked with the co-pastor and she reminisced with Grandma a little. Grandma just spoke so highly of her. I could see why. She has an amazing personality and she is just one of the nicest people you will ever meet. So, today I decided I want to join the church. I’m also getting involved in the church. Next Sunday I have lunch with both Pastors to discuss joining the church. This coming Wednesday I’ll be packing meals with the church to support the community. Then next Tuesday I have a meeting to discuss starting a Young Adult group. I’m so excited. I finally feel like I’m a part of something big. Something that feels right.

At the end of the day, I feel like I’m always going to be Pagan deep down. Now I just consider myself ChristoPagan. A mix of Christian and Pagan. I believe in Jesus Christ, God, and my Goddess, Mary Magdalene. I may do spells here and there. I pray every night. But now I have a church to call home. I feel content and welcome.

I hope everyone found this insightful. Love is all around us.

My Life

Religiously Confused

So for whatever reason, I get into these weird obsessed manic episodes where all of a sudden I want to be religious. I somehow convince myself that I’m wrong by practicing witchcraft and being Wiccan. Even though my whole life, I’ve always been drawn to nature and felt a magical feeling about it that really resonated with me.

Here’s why I’m confused. When I feel like I’m practicing the correct religion, I feel a blissful, calming feeling. When I was younger I would walk around barefoot in nature and just feel the wind blow through my hair. That would give me the blissful feeling. However, when I was baptized in a church at age 12, I also got that blissful feeling. So am I Christian or am I Wiccan? I’m confused.

Then another part of me wonders why I can’t do both. Religion to me isn’t about the afterlife. One thing that resonated with me in Wicca was the concept of reincarnation. I never have believed your soul dies and goes to heaven. I feel like spirits are everlasting. You come back into the world as something else, the moment you die.

I started looking at churches last night. There’s this one church one of my friend’s goes to that I’ve heard so many great things about called Vale church. I watched the hour-long service from last Sunday on my phone and thought it was okay. The pastor kept talking about how everyone was welcome in their church and I liked that. Then… I looked on their website about “what we believe”. They believe homosexuality is a sin and so is being transgender or nonbinary. Personally, I can’t be in a church that doesn’t support those 2 things. So that church is out.

I grew up in a Methodist church so I looked up different Methodist churches in town. There’s one I’m somewhat interested in called Wesley United Methodist church that’s located not too far from me. Their website seemed a lot more welcoming as far as types of people. I may try that church. However, today I’m attending a Lutheran church with my best friend that she’s been going to since she was young. She said last time I went I had a bad experience. I don’t really remember, plus that was almost 4 or 5 years ago so things could have changed. I’m looking forward to going to Bible study with her as well. Even though I’ve never believed in the Bible and that it is a sacred text written by Jesus’ followers, I do believe there are lessons to be learned in it and I’m all about learning more.

I guess if it all comes down to it, I could be what is called a Christopagan or a Christian Witch. I don’t really want to give up on Wicca entirely, but for some reason, it just feels wrong lately. I go through periods where I’m in denial about being Wiccan. As I was raised Christian, I feel that’s what I’m supposed to be. It’s what I know. I don’t really know. I guess I’ll write about my experience.

My Life

Updates in my life

So first and foremost, I now have a dog to go with my four ferrets! That’s right! A dog! My parent’s dog had puppies in 2014 and the dog I now have is one of those puppies. She will be 3 next month. She’s a brindle Presa Canario and she’s one of the best things to ever happen to me. She makes me so happy. I’ve always been a dog person, but having my own dog and not just a family dog makes the bond even stronger. We picked her up from her old home on Wednesday night. It was about an hour away. She was so happy to sleep in a human bed since she’d been a farm dog for the past six months. Oh, her name is Lucky. I can’t remember why, but that’s what my sister named her when she was born. I think maybe it was because she’s blind in one eye. I’ve already started spoiling her by subscribing to bullymake.com ‘s subscription box. She got her first one yesterday and it had 3 different types of treats and 2 chew toys. She loves one of the toys, it’s a rubber treat dispenser.

Oh, her name is Lucky. I can’t remember why, but that’s what my sister named her when she was born. I think maybe it was because she’s blind in one eye. I’ve already started spoiling her by subscribing to bullymake.com ‘s subscription box. She got her first one yesterday and it had 3 different types of treats and 2 chew toys. She loves one of the toys, it’s a rubber treat dispenser. The other toy, a candy flavor nylon ring she could care less about.

She takes treats willingly, but getting her to eat is a chore. She does this thing where she lays down when she eats. She’s also a very slow eater.

Lucky and I both have to get back into shape. When we take our mile walk, she starts to slow way down about halfway through. I’m trying to ease her into a walking schedule instead of walking her every day right off the bat. Hopefully, she’ll get better and so will I.

We’re so spoiled with not having her as a puppy. She’s already potty trained. We take her out every few hours and if we don’t she will whine to let you know she has to go out. She has yet to chew anything up either. I’m really proud of her and happy with her.

I made an Instagram for her, you can follow her @luckysadventures14 . Or I’ve been posting things on my facebook about her. You can always add me on facebook if you don’t already have me.

Getting her introduced to the ferrets is proving to be a chore. We let Sirius down on the floor with her a couple of days ago and she pounced at him and growled. So I’m not sure she’s ever going to get along with her ferret brothers and sister. I hope it works out eventually, if not we’ll just have to keep them separated.

Logan’s still getting acclimated to the night shift at work. I’m glad I have Lucky to keep me safe and keep me company on the nights he works. She really helps. She’s such a cuddler. She loves to lay on the couch with her head in my lap. It’s so sweet.

She had a busy day yesterday. I took her to meet my best friend, Brooklyn. We sat outside and Lucky sunbathed a little. Brooklyn liked her. Then we went to Grandma and Grandpa’s in Atlanta, IL for the first time. I think they really liked her. She pretty much slept the whole time since we took a mile walk before we went to Atlanta.

I just hope that my new love for Lucky doesn’t interfere or cause me to neglect my first babies, the ferrets. I haven’t seen them out and played with them for almost 2 weeks since we got Lucky. I’ve been playing with Lucky in the kitchen while the ferrets are in the Living Room and Dining Room with Logan for their playtime. We have a gate that separates the Kitchen from the Dining Room. As I said, hopefully, one day they can all play together. I love my ferrets so much, but I love Lucky so much too. I just want us to be a big happy family.

My Life

“True friends stab you in the front”

While on my way home from a small town this evening I found myself trying to think of blog posts since I haven’t posted one in a while. I had Spotify on and I was listening to the “Bullet for my Valentine” radio station. A song I’ve heard on this station before, and because it was my album of the month for August, was “True Friends” by Bring me the Horizon. The lyrics go like this: “I wouldn’t hold my breath if I was you, ‘Cause I’ll forget but I’ll never forgive you, Don’t you know, don’t you know? True friends stab you in the front”.

This resonates with me so much right now. I’ve recently lost my best friend, for about the 3rd time. No, she didn’t die. She basically disowned me. Again… You see… my best friend has a lot of problems. Being suicidal is #1. She’s been so depressed lately after her most recent suicide attempt a couple of months back. She never texts me back. She doesn’t text me at all. When I text her and ask her why she won’t text me back, she’ll say something smart-assy like “I didn’t know it was a requirement”. It really pisses me off. We hung out back in July and she was totally fine when we hung out. She wasn’t as talkative as usual, but she seemed like she was enjoying herself. She actually reached out to me at that time and asked me to hang out. I was surprised since she hadn’t been texting me much lately.

I’m very disappointed, to say the least. I haven’t talked to her since July. She’s since gone back to school in Chicago and I start college on Monday. I really wanted to be able to come home Monday and text her and tell her how awesome my 1st day of college was. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll be doing that. I’ve finally decided I’ve had enough. I know when people are depressed and suicidal you shouldn’t ditch them or stop being their friend, but I’ve had enough. I’m not reaching out to her anymore. I’m not texting her, not calling her. I may even take her off my Christmas card list. I just can’t take it. You’re supposed to be my best friend. We’ve been close since 2010. That’s 7 years. Where have those years gone? Apparently down the drain.

It’s so hard for me to make this decision. I have no idea how I’m going to react when she finally texts me out of the blue because I know she will eventually. She always does. I may want to text her back right then and there and be overjoyed to hear from her. However, I will have to stop myself and ignore the text. She’s pushing away all the people that care about her. I just don’t understand how she can do this. Throwing a friendship of almost a decade, well, we’ve known each other since we were kids, but throwing all that away? It’s just sad. I will always care for her, but I just can’t do it anymore.

So when your friend tries to commit suicide for the umpteenth time unsuccessfully and shuts you out. Don’t go pushing and fighting to retain their friendship. It’s not worth the drama. Lesson learned.