My Life

Religiously Confused

So for whatever reason, I get into these weird obsessed manic episodes where all of a sudden I want to be religious. I somehow convince myself that I’m wrong by practicing witchcraft and being Wiccan. Even though my whole life, I’ve always been drawn to nature and felt a magical feeling about it that really resonated with me.

Here’s why I’m confused. When I feel like I’m practicing the correct religion, I feel a blissful, calming feeling. When I was younger I would walk around barefoot in nature and just feel the wind blow through my hair. That would give me the blissful feeling. However, when I was baptized in a church at age 12, I also got that blissful feeling. So am I Christian or am I Wiccan? I’m confused.

Then another part of me wonders why I can’t do both. Religion to me isn’t about the afterlife. One thing that resonated with me in Wicca was the concept of reincarnation. I never have believed your soul dies and goes to heaven. I feel like spirits are everlasting. You come back into the world as something else, the moment you die.

I started looking at churches last night. There’s this one church one of my friend’s goes to that I’ve heard so many great things about called Vale church. I watched the hour-long service from last Sunday on my phone and thought it was okay. The pastor kept talking about how everyone was welcome in their church and I liked that. Then… I looked on their website about “what we believe”. They believe homosexuality is a sin and so is being transgender or nonbinary. Personally, I can’t be in a church that doesn’t support those 2 things. So that church is out.

I grew up in a Methodist church so I looked up different Methodist churches in town. There’s one I’m somewhat interested in called Wesley United Methodist church that’s located not too far from me. Their website seemed a lot more welcoming as far as types of people. I may try that church. However, today I’m attending a Lutheran church with my best friend that she’s been going to since she was young. She said last time I went I had a bad experience. I don’t really remember, plus that was almost 4 or 5 years ago so things could have changed. I’m looking forward to going to Bible study with her as well. Even though I’ve never believed in the Bible and that it is a sacred text written by Jesus’ followers, I do believe there are lessons to be learned in it and I’m all about learning more.

I guess if it all comes down to it, I could be what is called a Christopagan or a Christian Witch. I don’t really want to give up on Wicca entirely, but for some reason, it just feels wrong lately. I go through periods where I’m in denial about being Wiccan. As I was raised Christian, I feel that’s what I’m supposed to be. It’s what I know. I don’t really know. I guess I’ll write about my experience.

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My Life

Updates in my life

So first and foremost, I now have a dog to go with my four ferrets! That’s right! A dog! My parent’s dog had puppies in 2014 and the dog I now have is one of those puppies. She will be 3 next month. She’s a brindle Presa Canario and she’s one of the best things to ever happen to me. She makes me so happy. I’ve always been a dog person, but having my own dog and not just a family dog makes the bond even stronger. We picked her up from her old home on Wednesday night. It was about an hour away. She was so happy to sleep in a human bed since she’d been a farm dog for the past six months. Oh, her name is Lucky. I can’t remember why, but that’s what my sister named her when she was born. I think maybe it was because she’s blind in one eye. I’ve already started spoiling her by subscribing to bullymake.com ‘s subscription box. She got her first one yesterday and it had 3 different types of treats and 2 chew toys. She loves one of the toys, it’s a rubber treat dispenser.

Oh, her name is Lucky. I can’t remember why, but that’s what my sister named her when she was born. I think maybe it was because she’s blind in one eye. I’ve already started spoiling her by subscribing to bullymake.com ‘s subscription box. She got her first one yesterday and it had 3 different types of treats and 2 chew toys. She loves one of the toys, it’s a rubber treat dispenser. The other toy, a candy flavor nylon ring she could care less about.

She takes treats willingly, but getting her to eat is a chore. She does this thing where she lays down when she eats. She’s also a very slow eater.

Lucky and I both have to get back into shape. When we take our mile walk, she starts to slow way down about halfway through. I’m trying to ease her into a walking schedule instead of walking her every day right off the bat. Hopefully, she’ll get better and so will I.

We’re so spoiled with not having her as a puppy. She’s already potty trained. We take her out every few hours and if we don’t she will whine to let you know she has to go out. She has yet to chew anything up either. I’m really proud of her and happy with her.

I made an Instagram for her, you can follow her @luckysadventures14 . Or I’ve been posting things on my facebook about her. You can always add me on facebook if you don’t already have me.

Getting her introduced to the ferrets is proving to be a chore. We let Sirius down on the floor with her a couple of days ago and she pounced at him and growled. So I’m not sure she’s ever going to get along with her ferret brothers and sister. I hope it works out eventually, if not we’ll just have to keep them separated.

Logan’s still getting acclimated to the night shift at work. I’m glad I have Lucky to keep me safe and keep me company on the nights he works. She really helps. She’s such a cuddler. She loves to lay on the couch with her head in my lap. It’s so sweet.

She had a busy day yesterday. I took her to meet my best friend, Brooklyn. We sat outside and Lucky sunbathed a little. Brooklyn liked her. Then we went to Grandma and Grandpa’s in Atlanta, IL for the first time. I think they really liked her. She pretty much slept the whole time since we took a mile walk before we went to Atlanta.

I just hope that my new love for Lucky doesn’t interfere or cause me to neglect my first babies, the ferrets. I haven’t seen them out and played with them for almost 2 weeks since we got Lucky. I’ve been playing with Lucky in the kitchen while the ferrets are in the Living Room and Dining Room with Logan for their playtime. We have a gate that separates the Kitchen from the Dining Room. As I said, hopefully, one day they can all play together. I love my ferrets so much, but I love Lucky so much too. I just want us to be a big happy family.

My Life

“True friends stab you in the front”

While on my way home from a small town this evening I found myself trying to think of blog posts since I haven’t posted one in a while. I had Spotify on and I was listening to the “Bullet for my Valentine” radio station. A song I’ve heard on this station before, and because it was my album of the month for August, was “True Friends” by Bring me the Horizon. The lyrics go like this: “I wouldn’t hold my breath if I was you, ‘Cause I’ll forget but I’ll never forgive you, Don’t you know, don’t you know? True friends stab you in the front”.

This resonates with me so much right now. I’ve recently lost my best friend, for about the 3rd time. No, she didn’t die. She basically disowned me. Again… You see… my best friend has a lot of problems. Being suicidal is #1. She’s been so depressed lately after her most recent suicide attempt a couple of months back. She never texts me back. She doesn’t text me at all. When I text her and ask her why she won’t text me back, she’ll say something smart-assy like “I didn’t know it was a requirement”. It really pisses me off. We hung out back in July and she was totally fine when we hung out. She wasn’t as talkative as usual, but she seemed like she was enjoying herself. She actually reached out to me at that time and asked me to hang out. I was surprised since she hadn’t been texting me much lately.

I’m very disappointed, to say the least. I haven’t talked to her since July. She’s since gone back to school in Chicago and I start college on Monday. I really wanted to be able to come home Monday and text her and tell her how awesome my 1st day of college was. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll be doing that. I’ve finally decided I’ve had enough. I know when people are depressed and suicidal you shouldn’t ditch them or stop being their friend, but I’ve had enough. I’m not reaching out to her anymore. I’m not texting her, not calling her. I may even take her off my Christmas card list. I just can’t take it. You’re supposed to be my best friend. We’ve been close since 2010. That’s 7 years. Where have those years gone? Apparently down the drain.

It’s so hard for me to make this decision. I have no idea how I’m going to react when she finally texts me out of the blue because I know she will eventually. She always does. I may want to text her back right then and there and be overjoyed to hear from her. However, I will have to stop myself and ignore the text. She’s pushing away all the people that care about her. I just don’t understand how she can do this. Throwing a friendship of almost a decade, well, we’ve known each other since we were kids, but throwing all that away? It’s just sad. I will always care for her, but I just can’t do it anymore.

So when your friend tries to commit suicide for the umpteenth time unsuccessfully and shuts you out. Don’t go pushing and fighting to retain their friendship. It’s not worth the drama. Lesson learned.

My Life

Life Update

So I got my hair cut. Short. Again… [lol] I also colored it blue. I think it looks lovely. I loved my hair blue. I’ve gotten a lot of compliments so far. I believe it suits me.

I start school a week from this coming Monday. I’m so excited, anxious, and nervous. I’m interested to see how much homework I have for each class. I’m really excited for the Intro to Psychology and Literature in Film classes. I’m just worried Logan won’t have been switched to nights my first day of class. They still haven’t let him know much about when he’s being moved. You see, we only have one car…

It’s going to be so nice when he gets that extra pay per week. I have a credit card that is almost maxed out and another credit card that is maxed out. I’m just excited to get out of debt and be able to pay off my college tuitions.

However, I’m not looking forward to Logan not being beside me when I go to sleep at night. Ever since we moved in together I have always had the fear that someone is going to break into our house in the middle of the night and I’m not going to wake up for it. So now, he’s going to be working from 7PM-7AM and I’m scared to sleep by myself.

I thought about getting a gun. Then I remembered I have been suicidal in the past and it’s probably not a good idea for me to have a gun. I told Logan if he ever wanted to get one to keep it where I couldn’t access it. Since we will have the extra income I’m thinking about getting a security system. We’ll see.

Once we get most of everything paid off, we can finally get another car, start upgrading the house, get central air conditioning installed, and get both of us some well over due dental work. I know I have high hopes. I just hope it all works out and I don’t jinx it.

I posted my August reviews. I know it’s a bit early. I questioned if I should do a “CD” review since I don’t believe anyone buys CD’s anymore except me. I did include it with a link to the album on Amazon in case you want to sample it or buy it.

Not that much has been going on. I’ve been helping my Aunt with stuff for an upcoming court date. I’ve been spending too much money on my credit card online. I always buy so much clothing and makeup! That’s about all that’s going on here. I apologize for not writing recently. I’ve been out of ideas on what to write about. Hope you all are well!

My Life

If you’re so “pansexual” have you even been with any girls?

A lot of people underestimate me when it comes to my sexuality. Especially since I’m married and have been with the same cis male for almost 10 years now. If you must know, I’ve been with 2 girls. I didn’t “date” either of them per se, but I did things with them sexually and got very close to them. I still find girls attractive and I’m sure if something happened between my husband and me, I’d probably be quick to seek out a girl or trans boy.

The first girl was when I was I think a junior in high school. She was dating one of my best guy friends. God, she was beautiful. I look at her facebook today and she still looks as amazing as the first day I met her. She’s got long wavy blonde hair. Beautiful eyes. Big boobs. (lol) She was and still is just beautiful. I got very close to her in high school. The joke was I had sex with her before her boyfriend (my guy friend) did. I will never forget all the nights at her house. The adventures. Watching movies. Kissing. It just felt so right. Maybe because the guy I was with at the time felt so wrong. I have this fond memory of seeing her over the summer before senior year at the mall. I was with my mom walking around. Next thing I know this girl jumps on me and hugs me, pushing me to the ground. It was so awkward but again, it felt so right. To this day, I still have feelings for her. She will always hold a piece of my heart. I will always love you MandaBoo. ❤

The 2nd girl, is kind of a funny story as well. You see, she was dating my uncle who is a year older than me. I found out about her through an ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. They were best friends. She also had long blonde hair and big boobs. I have a thing for blondes. I remember just chatting with her on myspace about nothing. One night her best friend (my ex’s ex) drove her over to my house at like 1AM. I went out there and I saw her, we instantly just clicked. We made out in front of my house for like half an hour. It was amazing. She was a great kisser. Not that the above girl wasn’t. We did some sexual things. My uncle never found out I had a fling with her. I don’t know what happened. We just kind of lost touch. We both moved on.

I have never been with a trans boy but I’ve always wanted to. I’ve been attracted to trans boys for as long as I can remember. It started with tomboys, then the androgynous girls. Then in high school, I met my first trans boy. He was so cute. We texted back and forth for about a week then he moved to the alternative school so we also lost touch.

I know this may have been a little bit too much information for some of my readers but I tried not to get too graphic. I just wanted to make a point that I am in fact pansexual and I have, in fact, been with 2 girls, for the record. Not that I should have to validate myself. 😉

My Life

Why all the labels?

So as mentioned in previous posts, I have many labels. I identify and genderqueer and pansexual. I’m a diagnosed schizophrenic. I consider my clothing style “Goth” and “Hippie”. So why all these labels?

They help me define who I am. However, you can let something define you without being a stereotype. Some people don’t like labels. That’s cool too. I personally, like labels so people understand me or get to know me more.

I may identify as genderqueer and pansexual, but I don’t look genderqueer or pansexual to most people. I’m married to a straight cis man. (If you must know, I’ve been with 2 girls…) I define myself as different. That’s why my username on all my social platforms is “beeurselph333”. It’s just a different way to spell “Be Yourself”. I came up with it around 2010 and haven’t stopped using it since. Again, it’s just me. I’m not the stereotypical “hipster” who is a hypocrite that goes around telling everyone, “Just be yourself. Stop trying to be like everyone else”. That’s just me being judgmental and rude, but that’s the truth. That’s how some people are.

I’ve been goth for as long as I can remember. I’ve only been wearing all black for the past 3 years. I’ve had a boho/hippie style off and on since getting my dreads in 2012. (picture above) I wear all black and some goth-aesthetic clothes, but most of my shirts are from Torrid or have something on them about being a hippie or free spirit. Yes, I do wear black. Every day. Year round. People I used to go to school with would see me outside of school and say “Oh, you’re still in all black…”, what did you expect? I’m goth. I don’t delve deep into the labels and say I’m “trad goth” or “nu goth” or “cyber goth”. I’m just… goth… with a little hippie mixed in.

Some people hate labels. Especially for your sexual orientation. A lot of people just say they are who they are, they don’t want to assign a label to it. That’s actually okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. As long as you are living life as your true self.

Here are my final words on this: At the end of the day, you can use a label; but you don’t have to be that stereotypical label to a ‘t’. You can be goth and not listen to goth bands. You can be genderqueer or androgynous and still wear dresses. You shouldn’t listen to all the elitists out there who tell you what you can and can’t wear or how you should act. At the end of the day, just be yourself, your true self. ❤

My Life

Sibling age gaps

If you’ve been reading my posts you may know that I have a sister. We have a 10-year gap between us. What was it like for me in the beginning up to now?

When I found out my mom was pregnant with my sister, I completely shut down. I didn’t understand. I was 10 years old and an only child. I loved being an only child. How could my parents do this to me? It made me really depressed. That’s when I started acting out and getting bad grades.

When my sister was born, I was still confused on how I felt about her. I held her a few times. I changed her diaper maybe once or twice. I got yelled at by my step-dad because they were stupid enough to lay her on the couch when she was an infant and I was supposed to watch her. Well, she rolled off the couch. Of course, it was MY fault, because I wasn’t watching her. Even though my sister was a good baby, she annoyed the living crap out of me. The amount of attention everyone was giving her really got to me. That’s when I started to become a very angry child.

By the time my sister was 2, I really didn’t have a problem with her. She was actually pretty funny. I would record her on my grandma’s video camera singing or saying funny things. It was fun. However, I couldn’t shake the jealousy I had over how much attention my step-dad gave her compared to me. I mean, I understand it’s different because she’s his child by blood, but I came first. When you got with my mom, you knew what you were getting yourself into. Believe me, he did. I put up a protest when he got with my mom, to the point, he almost left her (so she says).

When she was 4 is when I really started to love her. I was still jealous of her, but I loved her. I was 14, my cousin was 10; we would make my sister play parts in the movies we made on grandma’s video camera with Barbie’s. She did pretty well. We even recorded a fashion show when I did both of their makeup and picked out their outfits. I even made a few music videos with her. We had fun. However, that’s my end of the spectrum. Not everything was always so fun for her. I TORMENTED her. Constantly. She had this Dora the Explorer backpack that sang. I would put it at the top of the stairs and hide behind a wall with my scary alien mask on. I’d yell down to her to come get her Dora backpack and I’d scare the living crap out of her. That was just ONE of the ways I tortured her. I also had a problem when I was 14, 15, 16, and 17 with sneaking boys over when I was supposed to be watching her. We would go in my room and… do things… while my poor sister was downstairs. Not many people know that. To this day I still regret being such a sleeze in front of my sister and not spending time with her. She didn’t need to deal with that, especially at such a young age. I will always be sorry for that.

Fast forward… When I moved out on my (then boyfriend, now husband)’s 18th birthday during the summer, it was pretty hard. After living with your family for so many years and being comfortable with the way things were, it was hard to leave them knowing you wouldn’t see them much. Obviously, I didn’t feel that way at the time I moved out. I was happy as hell to get out of that house and away from those people. All I did was fight with my parents all the time. Especially my step-dad. I was basically their free babysitter, so I was happy to get away and spend my days with the love of my life.

When we were finally tired of dealing with our apartment, we decided we wanted to rent a house. Well, we couldn’t find any nice houses with cheap enough rent. You know what we did? The house next door to my parent’s house that I grew up in had been for sale for almost 2 years. No one wanted it. We decided to buy it. I hated living in my apartment and not seeing my sister or my parents. We honestly never saw them. They hardly visited. I went to their house every once in a while. We didn’t really call each other. It was crazy. So when we bought the house it became a major convenience and brought me and my sister closer than ever.

My sister and I may be polar opposites, but we are good sisters to each other. We always try to help each other out. We talk almost daily. I love her like she’s my own daughter or best friend. I’m not sure what I’d do without her. She’s the greatest sister I could ever ask for. After all those years of being jealous of her, I kinda still am, but I still love her. I guess there will always be sibling rivalry.