While on my way home from a small town this evening I found myself trying to think of blog posts since I haven’t posted one in a while. I had Spotify on and I was listening to the “Bullet for my Valentine” radio station. A song I’ve heard on this station before, and because it was my album of the month for August, was “True Friends” by Bring me the Horizon. The lyrics go like this: “I wouldn’t hold my breath if I was you, ‘Cause I’ll forget but I’ll never forgive you, Don’t you know, don’t you know? True friends stab you in the front”.
This resonates with me so much right now. I’ve recently lost my best friend, for about the 3rd time. No, she didn’t die. She basically disowned me. Again… You see… my best friend has a lot of problems. Being suicidal is #1. She’s been so depressed lately after her most recent suicide attempt a couple of months back. She never texts me back. She doesn’t text me at all. When I text her and ask her why she won’t text me back, she’ll say something smart-assy like “I didn’t know it was a requirement”. It really pisses me off. We hung out back in July and she was totally fine when we hung out. She wasn’t as talkative as usual, but she seemed like she was enjoying herself. She actually reached out to me at that time and asked me to hang out. I was surprised since she hadn’t been texting me much lately.
I’m very disappointed, to say the least. I haven’t talked to her since July. She’s since gone back to school in Chicago and I start college on Monday. I really wanted to be able to come home Monday and text her and tell her how awesome my 1st day of college was. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll be doing that. I’ve finally decided I’ve had enough. I know when people are depressed and suicidal you shouldn’t ditch them or stop being their friend, but I’ve had enough. I’m not reaching out to her anymore. I’m not texting her, not calling her. I may even take her off my Christmas card list. I just can’t take it. You’re supposed to be my best friend. We’ve been close since 2010. That’s 7 years. Where have those years gone? Apparently down the drain.
It’s so hard for me to make this decision. I have no idea how I’m going to react when she finally texts me out of the blue because I know she will eventually. She always does. I may want to text her back right then and there and be overjoyed to hear from her. However, I will have to stop myself and ignore the text. She’s pushing away all the people that care about her. I just don’t understand how she can do this. Throwing a friendship of almost a decade, well, we’ve known each other since we were kids, but throwing all that away? It’s just sad. I will always care for her, but I just can’t do it anymore.
So when your friend tries to commit suicide for the umpteenth time unsuccessfully and shuts you out. Don’t go pushing and fighting to retain their friendship. It’s not worth the drama. Lesson learned.
So I got my hair cut. Short. Again… [lol] I also colored it blue. I think it looks lovely. I loved my hair blue. I’ve gotten a lot of compliments so far. I believe it suits me.
I start school a week from this coming Monday. I’m so excited, anxious, and nervous. I’m interested to see how much homework I have for each class. I’m really excited for the Intro to Psychology and Literature in Film classes. I’m just worried Logan won’t have been switched to nights my first day of class. They still haven’t let him know much about when he’s being moved. You see, we only have one car…
It’s going to be so nice when he gets that extra pay per week. I have a credit card that is almost maxed out and another credit card that is maxed out. I’m just excited to get out of debt and be able to pay off my college tuitions.
However, I’m not looking forward to Logan not being beside me when I go to sleep at night. Ever since we moved in together I have always had the fear that someone is going to break into our house in the middle of the night and I’m not going to wake up for it. So now, he’s going to be working from 7PM-7AM and I’m scared to sleep by myself.
I thought about getting a gun. Then I remembered I have been suicidal in the past and it’s probably not a good idea for me to have a gun. I told Logan if he ever wanted to get one to keep it where I couldn’t access it. Since we will have the extra income I’m thinking about getting a security system. We’ll see.
Once we get most of everything paid off, we can finally get another car, start upgrading the house, get central air conditioning installed, and get both of us some well over due dental work. I know I have high hopes. I just hope it all works out and I don’t jinx it.
I posted my August reviews. I know it’s a bit early. I questioned if I should do a “CD” review since I don’t believe anyone buys CD’s anymore except me. I did include it with a link to the album on Amazon in case you want to sample it or buy it.
Not that much has been going on. I’ve been helping my Aunt with stuff for an upcoming court date. I’ve been spending too much money on my credit card online. I always buy so much clothing and makeup! That’s about all that’s going on here. I apologize for not writing recently. I’ve been out of ideas on what to write about. Hope you all are well!
Book: Lilac Girls by Martha Hall Kelly
I thought this was a great book. It was very suspenseful and made me want to keep reading. Very well written. I recommend looking it up. It’s about 3 different girls from 3 different countries in the middle of World War II. Each of them has their own story but in the end, it all intertwines. Lovely read. Got through it pretty quick.
CD/Album: Bring Me The Horizon “That’s the Spirit” I fell in love with this band a few years back. Their CD’s are ones you can listen all the way through without skipping because they are just that good.
Movie: Paddington (2014) I thought this was a great movie. I’m a big fan of anything British so I knew I would like it. It had great special effects and I fell in love with Paddington. There are so many actors and actresses in the movie who play in the Harry Potter movies, so I knew I would like it. A sequel is actually in the works right now and is set to be shown in 2018!
Makeup product: Jeffree Star Skin Frost Highlighter in Peach Goddess
I’ve only used a select few highlighters. I heard many people rave about this one, so I purchased it. It’s huge too. I got it in Peach Goddess so it would blend well with my blush. I’ve been using this since around Thanksgiving last year. I couldn’t put into words how pleased I am with it. I highly recommend it.
A lot of people underestimate me when it comes to my sexuality. Especially since I’m married and have been with the same cis male for almost 10 years now. If you must know, I’ve been with 2 girls. I didn’t “date” either of them per se, but I did things with them sexually and got very close to them. I still find girls attractive and I’m sure if something happened between my husband and me, I’d probably be quick to seek out a girl or trans boy.
The first girl was when I was I think a junior in high school. She was dating one of my best guy friends. God, she was beautiful. I look at her facebook today and she still looks as amazing as the first day I met her. She’s got long wavy blonde hair. Beautiful eyes. Big boobs. (lol) She was and still is just beautiful. I got very close to her in high school. The joke was I had sex with her before her boyfriend (my guy friend) did. I will never forget all the nights at her house. The adventures. Watching movies. Kissing. It just felt so right. Maybe because the guy I was with at the time felt so wrong. I have this fond memory of seeing her over the summer before senior year at the mall. I was with my mom walking around. Next thing I know this girl jumps on me and hugs me, pushing me to the ground. It was so awkward but again, it felt so right. To this day, I still have feelings for her. She will always hold a piece of my heart. I will always love you MandaBoo. ❤
The 2nd girl, is kind of a funny story as well. You see, she was dating my uncle who is a year older than me. I found out about her through an ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. They were best friends. She also had long blonde hair and big boobs. I have a thing for blondes. I remember just chatting with her on myspace about nothing. One night her best friend (my ex’s ex) drove her over to my house at like 1AM. I went out there and I saw her, we instantly just clicked. We made out in front of my house for like half an hour. It was amazing. She was a great kisser. Not that the above girl wasn’t. We did some sexual things. My uncle never found out I had a fling with her. I don’t know what happened. We just kind of lost touch. We both moved on.
I have never been with a trans boy but I’ve always wanted to. I’ve been attracted to trans boys for as long as I can remember. It started with tomboys, then the androgynous girls. Then in high school, I met my first trans boy. He was so cute. We texted back and forth for about a week then he moved to the alternative school so we also lost touch.
I know this may have been a little bit too much information for some of my readers but I tried not to get too graphic. I just wanted to make a point that I am in fact pansexual and I have, in fact, been with 2 girls, for the record. Not that I should have to validate myself. 😉
So as mentioned in previous posts, I have many labels. I identify and genderqueer and pansexual. I’m a diagnosed schizophrenic. I consider my clothing style “Goth” and “Hippie”. So why all these labels?
They help me define who I am. However, you can let something define you without being a stereotype. Some people don’t like labels. That’s cool too. I personally, like labels so people understand me or get to know me more.
I may identify as genderqueer and pansexual, but I don’t look genderqueer or pansexual to most people. I’m married to a straight cis man. (If you must know, I’ve been with 2 girls…) I define myself as different. That’s why my username on all my social platforms is “beeurselph333”. It’s just a different way to spell “Be Yourself”. I came up with it around 2010 and haven’t stopped using it since. Again, it’s just me. I’m not the stereotypical “hipster” who is a hypocrite that goes around telling everyone, “Just be yourself. Stop trying to be like everyone else”. That’s just me being judgmental and rude, but that’s the truth. That’s how some people are.
I’ve been goth for as long as I can remember. I’ve only been wearing all black for the past 3 years. I’ve had a boho/hippie style off and on since getting my dreads in 2012. (picture above) I wear all black and some goth-aesthetic clothes, but most of my shirts are from Torrid or have something on them about being a hippie or free spirit. Yes, I do wear black. Every day. Year round. People I used to go to school with would see me outside of school and say “Oh, you’re still in all black…”, what did you expect? I’m goth. I don’t delve deep into the labels and say I’m “trad goth” or “nu goth” or “cyber goth”. I’m just… goth… with a little hippie mixed in.
Some people hate labels. Especially for your sexual orientation. A lot of people just say they are who they are, they don’t want to assign a label to it. That’s actually okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. As long as you are living life as your true self.
Here are my final words on this: At the end of the day, you can use a label; but you don’t have to be that stereotypical label to a ‘t’. You can be goth and not listen to goth bands. You can be genderqueer or androgynous and still wear dresses. You shouldn’t listen to all the elitists out there who tell you what you can and can’t wear or how you should act. At the end of the day, just be yourself, your true self. ❤