A little chat about my books [video]

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Creative Preface for Portfolio Poem

When she can’t sleep at night,

she thinks of what to write.

 

Ideas flow through her mind,

like visions of an acid trip,

Dripping with raw emotion and real-life experience.

 

She sits in front of her computer until her fingers hack at the keys.

There’s a story in there somewhere.

A story that originates from a young girl who lost her way.

A story of mental illness at its finest: paranoid schizophrenia.

 

It’s a blessing when it comes to writing, but it’s a curse when it comes to writing.

Too many ideas flowing at once, mostly good ideas. Mostly…

 

She’s been writing since she was young.

Her mother always told her to write how she felt.

So she did.

It started with letters from her mom, trying to help her understand reality.

Years later, she wrote letters back to her mom about how she turned out okay.

 

She advertises her books in hopes of someday making it big.

Maybe one day someone will discover her.

 

For now, she just keeps writing to escape reality.

To create her own story, the characters are her friends.

In the end, she’s not alone. Her characters are on her side.

“Depression” Poem

de·pres·sion \~\n. 1. The chill down your spine when you’re in a room full of people but feel so utterly alone. 2. The feeling of not having the motivation to do anything or go anywhere; talking to someone even seems like too much work. 3. The silence you long to hear when your mind is thinking dark thoughts. 4. Sleep seems like a great escape from reality 5. Feeling numb: I spend my days crying, I spend my nights crying/I wallow alone in my own self-pity/this feeling I just cannot shake/I’m not sure how much more I can take/the overwhelming feeling of everything around me/I don’t want to hurt anymore/crying/crying/I feel so alone in the world/I can’t breathe out of my nose from crying so much/My eyes sting from crying so much/I wake up in the morning and my eyes are swollen from crying so much/I feel like such a burden to everyone/Why do I feel these feelings/Why is being happy so hard to do?

Since I’m done with my Creative Writing class…

I’m going to be posting some of my work from the class on here. I have 7 pieces. 4 poems, a short story, and a play. I just finished the revisions on all of them last night. I have to print them all out with the original before revisions and make it into a portfolio. Stay tuned. I’ll post one tonight and schedule some more for the week.

“True friends stab you in the front”

While on my way home from a small town this evening I found myself trying to think of blog posts since I haven’t posted one in a while. I had Spotify on and I was listening to the “Bullet for my Valentine” radio station. A song I’ve heard on this station before, and because it was my album of the month for August, was “True Friends” by Bring me the Horizon. The lyrics go like this: “I wouldn’t hold my breath if I was you, ‘Cause I’ll forget but I’ll never forgive you, Don’t you know, don’t you know? True friends stab you in the front”.

This resonates with me so much right now. I’ve recently lost my best friend, for about the 3rd time. No, she didn’t die. She basically disowned me. Again… You see… my best friend has a lot of problems. Being suicidal is #1. She’s been so depressed lately after her most recent suicide attempt a couple of months back. She never texts me back. She doesn’t text me at all. When I text her and ask her why she won’t text me back, she’ll say something smart-assy like “I didn’t know it was a requirement”. It really pisses me off. We hung out back in July and she was totally fine when we hung out. She wasn’t as talkative as usual, but she seemed like she was enjoying herself. She actually reached out to me at that time and asked me to hang out. I was surprised since she hadn’t been texting me much lately.

I’m very disappointed, to say the least. I haven’t talked to her since July. She’s since gone back to school in Chicago and I start college on Monday. I really wanted to be able to come home Monday and text her and tell her how awesome my 1st day of college was. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll be doing that. I’ve finally decided I’ve had enough. I know when people are depressed and suicidal you shouldn’t ditch them or stop being their friend, but I’ve had enough. I’m not reaching out to her anymore. I’m not texting her, not calling her. I may even take her off my Christmas card list. I just can’t take it. You’re supposed to be my best friend. We’ve been close since 2010. That’s 7 years. Where have those years gone? Apparently down the drain.

It’s so hard for me to make this decision. I have no idea how I’m going to react when she finally texts me out of the blue because I know she will eventually. She always does. I may want to text her back right then and there and be overjoyed to hear from her. However, I will have to stop myself and ignore the text. She’s pushing away all the people that care about her. I just don’t understand how she can do this. Throwing a friendship of almost a decade, well, we’ve known each other since we were kids, but throwing all that away? It’s just sad. I will always care for her, but I just can’t do it anymore.

So when your friend tries to commit suicide for the umpteenth time unsuccessfully and shuts you out. Don’t go pushing and fighting to retain their friendship. It’s not worth the drama. Lesson learned.

What is depression?

Good question, right? Here’s the dictionary’s definition:

de·pres·sion
dəˈpreSH(ə)n/
noun
 
  1. 1.
    feelings of severe despondency and dejection.
    “self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression”

How many of you have suffered depression? Have you been depressed and not known it was depression?

Depression is not being able to get out of bed in the morning.

Depression is not wanting to be around people.

Depression is not taking care of your well being.

So many more things…

I visited with my best friend today. She’s been having a real rough time. Every time she texts me, somewhere in the conversation I ask her how she is doing. Once that question is asked, she stops texting me and doesn’t answer the question. She said the question gives her anxiety. She has been so depressed lately. She has seldom reached out to me. How does one deal with this situation? Well, personally, I thought she was mad at me so I waited for her to text me. When she did finally decide to text me, it was a passive aggressive text indicating she would never be like me. I hate when she texts me these things. It makes me feel so bad. I know I shouldn’t let it get to me, but it does. I used to tell her to stop comparing herself to me. We’re two totally different people on different journeys. Lately, however, I’ve been ignoring these texts and wait for her to send a normal one. I’m not sure if she’s caught on to my reasoning as to why I don’t text her back. In truth, I don’t really know how to respond to these texts.

My best friend is diagnosed with major depressive disorder. As am I. The difference is, I’ve been through just as many different medications as she has, I just somehow found the ones that work for me. She hasn’t been so lucky. The number of times she’s tried to kill herself in the past few years is alarming. From drinking perfume to overdosing on pills. Most people tell me I don’t need that drama in my life and if she doesn’t appreciate me, she isn’t a true friend. Here’s the thing… I look past all that because I’ve been in the same situation. I’ve felt rock bottom, it hurts. I also know what it’s like to take medications that aren’t helping you and your doctor won’t listen to you about. I’ve done a lot of research on depression and schizophrenia in my life. I’ve always been trying to find the answers to why I am, and why she is, the way we are.

A lot of people ask me, “Why would you want to kill yourself?” or say “I don’t understand how you can think like that.” The world is ignorant to what they don’t understand. If you haven’t been through it yourself, you won’t understand. Why would I want to kill myself? Because I’m selfish. I’m tired of living with pain, day after day. I’m tired of getting up every morning to the same routine. I’m tired of being tired. People who haven’t lived it will never understand.

So, the moral of the story is… Don’t ever question someone when they are suicidal. Be there for their support. If they would like to tell you how they are feeling and why they feel like killing themselves, sit back and listen. Don’t judge. Don’t talk. Don’t push. Let them come to you.

For those of you considering suicide, we understand what you are going through. Don’t give up. Confide in someone you trust instead of isolating yourself. Get help. We love you.