My Life

If you’re so “pansexual” have you even been with any girls?

A lot of people underestimate me when it comes to my sexuality. Especially since I’m married and have been with the same cis male for almost 10 years now. If you must know, I’ve been with 2 girls. I didn’t “date” either of them per se, but I did things with them sexually and got very close to them. I still find girls attractive and I’m sure if something happened between my husband and me, I’d probably be quick to seek out a girl or trans boy.

The first girl was when I was I think a junior in high school. She was dating one of my best guy friends. God, she was beautiful. I look at her facebook today and she still looks as amazing as the first day I met her. She’s got long wavy blonde hair. Beautiful eyes. Big boobs. (lol) She was and still is just beautiful. I got very close to her in high school. The joke was I had sex with her before her boyfriend (my guy friend) did. I will never forget all the nights at her house. The adventures. Watching movies. Kissing. It just felt so right. Maybe because the guy I was with at the time felt so wrong. I have this fond memory of seeing her over the summer before senior year at the mall. I was with my mom walking around. Next thing I know this girl jumps on me and hugs me, pushing me to the ground. It was so awkward but again, it felt so right. To this day, I still have feelings for her. She will always hold a piece of my heart. I will always love you MandaBoo. ❤

The 2nd girl, is kind of a funny story as well. You see, she was dating my uncle who is a year older than me. I found out about her through an ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. They were best friends. She also had long blonde hair and big boobs. I have a thing for blondes. I remember just chatting with her on myspace about nothing. One night her best friend (my ex’s ex) drove her over to my house at like 1AM. I went out there and I saw her, we instantly just clicked. We made out in front of my house for like half an hour. It was amazing. She was a great kisser. Not that the above girl wasn’t. We did some sexual things. My uncle never found out I had a fling with her. I don’t know what happened. We just kind of lost touch. We both moved on.

I have never been with a trans boy but I’ve always wanted to. I’ve been attracted to trans boys for as long as I can remember. It started with tomboys, then the androgynous girls. Then in high school, I met my first trans boy. He was so cute. We texted back and forth for about a week then he moved to the alternative school so we also lost touch.

I know this may have been a little bit too much information for some of my readers but I tried not to get too graphic. I just wanted to make a point that I am in fact pansexual and I have, in fact, been with 2 girls, for the record. Not that I should have to validate myself. 😉

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My Life

Why all the labels?

So as mentioned in previous posts, I have many labels. I identify and genderqueer and pansexual. I’m a diagnosed schizophrenic. I consider my clothing style “Goth” and “Hippie”. So why all these labels?

They help me define who I am. However, you can let something define you without being a stereotype. Some people don’t like labels. That’s cool too. I personally, like labels so people understand me or get to know me more.

I may identify as genderqueer and pansexual, but I don’t look genderqueer or pansexual to most people. I’m married to a straight cis man. (If you must know, I’ve been with 2 girls…) I define myself as different. That’s why my username on all my social platforms is “beeurselph333”. It’s just a different way to spell “Be Yourself”. I came up with it around 2010 and haven’t stopped using it since. Again, it’s just me. I’m not the stereotypical “hipster” who is a hypocrite that goes around telling everyone, “Just be yourself. Stop trying to be like everyone else”. That’s just me being judgmental and rude, but that’s the truth. That’s how some people are.

I’ve been goth for as long as I can remember. I’ve only been wearing all black for the past 3 years. I’ve had a boho/hippie style off and on since getting my dreads in 2012. (picture above) I wear all black and some goth-aesthetic clothes, but most of my shirts are from Torrid or have something on them about being a hippie or free spirit. Yes, I do wear black. Every day. Year round. People I used to go to school with would see me outside of school and say “Oh, you’re still in all black…”, what did you expect? I’m goth. I don’t delve deep into the labels and say I’m “trad goth” or “nu goth” or “cyber goth”. I’m just… goth… with a little hippie mixed in.

Some people hate labels. Especially for your sexual orientation. A lot of people just say they are who they are, they don’t want to assign a label to it. That’s actually okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. As long as you are living life as your true self.

Here are my final words on this: At the end of the day, you can use a label; but you don’t have to be that stereotypical label to a ‘t’. You can be goth and not listen to goth bands. You can be genderqueer or androgynous and still wear dresses. You shouldn’t listen to all the elitists out there who tell you what you can and can’t wear or how you should act. At the end of the day, just be yourself, your true self. ❤

My Life

What is this whole gender thing?

So there’s a lot of controversies right now around being transgender and other genders. A lot of people are wondering, “Since when is there more than 2 genders?” Well let me tell you. I know for a fact that there were transgender men and women all the way back to the 70’s. It just wasn’t accepted then. It was a thing of the future and ignorant people didn’t understand it so they were afraid of it.

If you know me well, you know I myself identify as genderqueer. I’ve been this way for a long time, I just recently found a term that I identify with. What is genderqueer? It’s different things for different people. For me, it means I do not identify as male or female. For some people it means they identify as both. So then comes the question, “well what about pronouns?” Since I don’t publicly tell everyone I’m genderqueer, I really don’t care if I get called “She”. The pronoun thing has never mattered to me. If that’s the gender a person sees me as then that’s their opinion and they are entitled to it. That’s just the way I am. This is more of an issue for transgender people. Pronouns are typically a big thing with them because they want to validate who they really are. I’ve just accepted the fact that most of my family and friends would be uncomfortable calling me “they” or “them”, so I let them use “she”/”her” since I was born female.

“How do you dress?” How ever I want to. Maybe I’ll wear a dress and leggings. Maybe I’ll wear guys jeans with a t-shirt and a breast binder. Most days, I wear a bra, t-shirt and girls jeans. Does that make me any less genderqueer? No. I am who I am and that’s all there is to it. How do I do my hair? Well, for the last almost 2 years it has been a type of pixie. I started growing it out earlier this year and it’s almost to my shoulders. Recently I’ve decided to get it cut short again because I’m tired of dealing with it. It’s easier to manage short and I think I look better with short hair.

So let’s talk gender. Here’s from wikipedia: Genderqueer (GQ), also termed non-binary (NB), is a catch-all category for gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine‍—‌identities which are thus outside of the gender binary and cisnormativity.[1] Genderqueer people may express a combination of masculinity and femininity, or neither, in their gender expression. Genderqueer can also be called “Gender Fluid” or “Agender”.

In case you don’t understand the term “transgender” by now, this is from the gender.wikia page: Transgender or Transexuality is an umbrella term for anyone whose internal experience of gender does not match the gender they were assigned at birth (normally based on genitalia). Transgender people often experience discomfort or distress due to their gender not being recognized by others, and therefore wish to transition to being viewed as their true gender identity.

So I’m a big LGBTQ+ supporter. I have been since I was a child. I grew up around gay men and lesbian women because my mom had multiple friends that were. I watch the show “I am Jazz” and I’ve watched Caitlyn Jenner’s show “I am Cait”. I’ve also watched the ABC Family series “Becoming Us” a year or so when it was on. I’ve done my research. I’ve found that today’s millennial generation is more accepting of gender identity than the older generations. Again, people don’t like what they don’t understand. So we need to educate them. Not everyone has a supportive family when it comes to their being transgender or nonbinary.

Do your research. Read up about it. When you meet someone that is transgender or genderqueer, ask them what pronouns they prefer. Stop being stuck in the old ways just because you don’t think it’s natural. Times have changed and they are only going to change more as time goes on so you must learn to adapt.