S4: Short Story Series Saturdays

[3] S4: continued “Derek”

I open the metal door to the Circle K gas station. The girl with the black hair and red streak looks at me suspiciously. I decide to be ballsy so I smiled and winked at her. Then I realized my hood was tightened over my face. I quickly pull it down off my head. She watches me walk to the back of the store.

I look at the ceiling trying to find cameras. The only ones I see are near the alcohol. I figure now is as good a time as any to have sticky fingers. I grab a protein bar and shove it in my hoodie pocket as quickly as I can. I lean over at the end of the isle. The girl was too busy ringing up a customer to notice, at least that’s what I thought. I decided to bolt for the door.

“Hey, you!” A voice calls. I stop at the door and am sure I’m busted. I turn around and the beautiful girl is looking at me. She nods her head and says “Come here.” I walk up to the counter hoping she’s not going to call the cops. She looks me up and down.

“Don’t I know you from somewhere?” She asks. I can see her looking deep into my eyes trying to figure me out. I clear my throat and try to calm down.

“I don’t think so,” I say cooly. “But I’d like to know you.” I flash my teeth and smile big for her. She giggles and turns around behind the cash register. She turns back around after a few minutes and slides me a piece of paper.

“Here’s my number. Text me sometime.” She says with a smile. I take the piece of paper and shove it in my hoodie pocket with the protein bar. The sensor above the door sings as I leave.

Once I get a few feet away from Circle K, I look around. No cops or anyone following me. I open the protein bar and eat it quickly. I was so hungry. I hadn’t ate in days. Dad doesn’t keep much food around the house. Just another great thing about him. As I finish the protein bar I remember the piece of paper she gave me. I open it up. It says “Samantha 309-838-5555” with a little heart next to her name.

Being one of the poor kids, I don’t usually pull many girls. I was surprised that this one willingly gave me her number. I’d never seen her before. She must got to a different school.

I keep walking. My feet start to ache when I realize how far I’ve walked. I’m in the next town over. Normal. You can’t find many “normal” people here…

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S4: Short Story Series Saturdays

[2] Short Story Series Saturday: Continued! “Derek”

I reach a gas station, just south of town. I see a beautiful girl working at the counter. She’s about my age. She has long, flowing black hair with a red streak down the right side. As she’s checking out the person at the cash register, she stops and notices me. As much as I don’t want to, I find myself walking towards the gas station.

It’s a Circle K gas station. A big red and blue K is above the gas price which currently shows $2.65 for unleaded. That information would be useful to me if I had a car. Instead, I rely on these two legs to get me where I need to go. There’s a reason I don’t have a car.

You see, I got put on house arrest because I totaled my dad’s car. It was an accident. Well, more of an accident waiting to happen. I was at this party…

My friend Kyle lives on the east side, the rich side, of town. He lives in a bi-level house with lots of windows. Inside there are lots of people holding red cups in their hands, dancing and talking. I was sitting under the table in the kitchen slamming down some beers.

“You good down there, bro?” Kyle laughed. He was an athletic kid; on the football team. He could have any girl he wanted, and he did. He was a spoiled brat, but he let me get in on the money he made off selling his Xanax. His parents were divorced so he used the “I have anxiety” card and his doctor believed him. Put him on Xanax, just like that.

Everything was spinning. I looked at my phone. 1:46AM. I laid there on the floor struggling to remember what day it is. I look at my phone again in my drunken stupor. Wednesday.

“Shit, dude! It’s a school night! I gotta go!” I raised up from the floor and slammed my head on the table. I knew deep down my dad wouldn’t notice I was gone. He really didn’t care how late I was out, even if it was a school night. I just knew I had to get home. Unfortunately, I had driven my dad’s 2015 blacked-out Jeep to the party. I felt comfortable enough to drive home. I did just that.

On the way home I noticed a white car following me. I didn’t know it, but I was swerving all over the road. Soon enough I saw the red and blue lights behind me. I put my foot on the accelerator and tried to get away. While I was looking out my rearview mirror trying to get away, I struck a light pole. That’s when shit hit the fan. I passed out cold as soon as I wrecked the Jeep.

I remember waking up the next day in the hospital. My dad nowhere to be found. My phone, M.I.A. No visitors. Just nurses pacing the hall floor and me in my room, all alone. I look over from the hospital bed and notice an IV in my arm. I lay there with my face scrunched in confusion, trying to figure out what happened.

An older nurse comes in and starts to make notes on my chart at the end of the bed. I watch her carefully.

“Excuse me,” I ask. She looks up from my chart. “Why am I here?” She smiled and showed her perfectly aligned, white teeth.

“Baby, you got in an accident. You were rushed here in an ambulance. They didn’t think you were gonna make it,” She looked at me in all seriousness. “Have you looked at yourself?” She asked. I wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean. She helped me to the bathroom so I could assess the damage.

My face was pretty banged up. I had about 5 stitches in my forehead. A lot of bruising. I was missing some of my teeth. I still wasn’t sure what happened. All I did know, is that I wished I could’ve died in this accident so I could be with my mom again.

As soon as the nurse got me back into bed, my dad comes storming into the room. He throws my cell phone at me and it hits my sternum in my chest.

“Good job, asshole.” was all he said and he walked right back out. I had a feeling this was the beginning of a great conversation that would come up later.

My Life

Religiously Confused

So for whatever reason, I get into these weird obsessed manic episodes where all of a sudden I want to be religious. I somehow convince myself that I’m wrong by practicing witchcraft and being Wiccan. Even though my whole life, I’ve always been drawn to nature and felt a magical feeling about it that really resonated with me.

Here’s why I’m confused. When I feel like I’m practicing the correct religion, I feel a blissful, calming feeling. When I was younger I would walk around barefoot in nature and just feel the wind blow through my hair. That would give me the blissful feeling. However, when I was baptized in a church at age 12, I also got that blissful feeling. So am I Christian or am I Wiccan? I’m confused.

Then another part of me wonders why I can’t do both. Religion to me isn’t about the afterlife. One thing that resonated with me in Wicca was the concept of reincarnation. I never have believed your soul dies and goes to heaven. I feel like spirits are everlasting. You come back into the world as something else, the moment you die.

I started looking at churches last night. There’s this one church one of my friend’s goes to that I’ve heard so many great things about called Vale church. I watched the hour-long service from last Sunday on my phone and thought it was okay. The pastor kept talking about how everyone was welcome in their church and I liked that. Then… I looked on their website about “what we believe”. They believe homosexuality is a sin and so is being transgender or nonbinary. Personally, I can’t be in a church that doesn’t support those 2 things. So that church is out.

I grew up in a Methodist church so I looked up different Methodist churches in town. There’s one I’m somewhat interested in called Wesley United Methodist church that’s located not too far from me. Their website seemed a lot more welcoming as far as types of people. I may try that church. However, today I’m attending a Lutheran church with my best friend that she’s been going to since she was young. She said last time I went I had a bad experience. I don’t really remember, plus that was almost 4 or 5 years ago so things could have changed. I’m looking forward to going to Bible study with her as well. Even though I’ve never believed in the Bible and that it is a sacred text written by Jesus’ followers, I do believe there are lessons to be learned in it and I’m all about learning more.

I guess if it all comes down to it, I could be what is called a Christopagan or a Christian Witch. I don’t really want to give up on Wicca entirely, but for some reason, it just feels wrong lately. I go through periods where I’m in denial about being Wiccan. As I was raised Christian, I feel that’s what I’m supposed to be. It’s what I know. I don’t really know. I guess I’ll write about my experience.

My Life

“True friends stab you in the front”

While on my way home from a small town this evening I found myself trying to think of blog posts since I haven’t posted one in a while. I had Spotify on and I was listening to the “Bullet for my Valentine” radio station. A song I’ve heard on this station before, and because it was my album of the month for August, was “True Friends” by Bring me the Horizon. The lyrics go like this: “I wouldn’t hold my breath if I was you, ‘Cause I’ll forget but I’ll never forgive you, Don’t you know, don’t you know? True friends stab you in the front”.

This resonates with me so much right now. I’ve recently lost my best friend, for about the 3rd time. No, she didn’t die. She basically disowned me. Again… You see… my best friend has a lot of problems. Being suicidal is #1. She’s been so depressed lately after her most recent suicide attempt a couple of months back. She never texts me back. She doesn’t text me at all. When I text her and ask her why she won’t text me back, she’ll say something smart-assy like “I didn’t know it was a requirement”. It really pisses me off. We hung out back in July and she was totally fine when we hung out. She wasn’t as talkative as usual, but she seemed like she was enjoying herself. She actually reached out to me at that time and asked me to hang out. I was surprised since she hadn’t been texting me much lately.

I’m very disappointed, to say the least. I haven’t talked to her since July. She’s since gone back to school in Chicago and I start college on Monday. I really wanted to be able to come home Monday and text her and tell her how awesome my 1st day of college was. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll be doing that. I’ve finally decided I’ve had enough. I know when people are depressed and suicidal you shouldn’t ditch them or stop being their friend, but I’ve had enough. I’m not reaching out to her anymore. I’m not texting her, not calling her. I may even take her off my Christmas card list. I just can’t take it. You’re supposed to be my best friend. We’ve been close since 2010. That’s 7 years. Where have those years gone? Apparently down the drain.

It’s so hard for me to make this decision. I have no idea how I’m going to react when she finally texts me out of the blue because I know she will eventually. She always does. I may want to text her back right then and there and be overjoyed to hear from her. However, I will have to stop myself and ignore the text. She’s pushing away all the people that care about her. I just don’t understand how she can do this. Throwing a friendship of almost a decade, well, we’ve known each other since we were kids, but throwing all that away? It’s just sad. I will always care for her, but I just can’t do it anymore.

So when your friend tries to commit suicide for the umpteenth time unsuccessfully and shuts you out. Don’t go pushing and fighting to retain their friendship. It’s not worth the drama. Lesson learned.

My Life

If you’re so “pansexual” have you even been with any girls?

A lot of people underestimate me when it comes to my sexuality. Especially since I’m married and have been with the same cis male for almost 10 years now. If you must know, I’ve been with 2 girls. I didn’t “date” either of them per se, but I did things with them sexually and got very close to them. I still find girls attractive and I’m sure if something happened between my husband and me, I’d probably be quick to seek out a girl or trans boy.

The first girl was when I was I think a junior in high school. She was dating one of my best guy friends. God, she was beautiful. I look at her facebook today and she still looks as amazing as the first day I met her. She’s got long wavy blonde hair. Beautiful eyes. Big boobs. (lol) She was and still is just beautiful. I got very close to her in high school. The joke was I had sex with her before her boyfriend (my guy friend) did. I will never forget all the nights at her house. The adventures. Watching movies. Kissing. It just felt so right. Maybe because the guy I was with at the time felt so wrong. I have this fond memory of seeing her over the summer before senior year at the mall. I was with my mom walking around. Next thing I know this girl jumps on me and hugs me, pushing me to the ground. It was so awkward but again, it felt so right. To this day, I still have feelings for her. She will always hold a piece of my heart. I will always love you MandaBoo. ❤

The 2nd girl, is kind of a funny story as well. You see, she was dating my uncle who is a year older than me. I found out about her through an ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. They were best friends. She also had long blonde hair and big boobs. I have a thing for blondes. I remember just chatting with her on myspace about nothing. One night her best friend (my ex’s ex) drove her over to my house at like 1AM. I went out there and I saw her, we instantly just clicked. We made out in front of my house for like half an hour. It was amazing. She was a great kisser. Not that the above girl wasn’t. We did some sexual things. My uncle never found out I had a fling with her. I don’t know what happened. We just kind of lost touch. We both moved on.

I have never been with a trans boy but I’ve always wanted to. I’ve been attracted to trans boys for as long as I can remember. It started with tomboys, then the androgynous girls. Then in high school, I met my first trans boy. He was so cute. We texted back and forth for about a week then he moved to the alternative school so we also lost touch.

I know this may have been a little bit too much information for some of my readers but I tried not to get too graphic. I just wanted to make a point that I am in fact pansexual and I have, in fact, been with 2 girls, for the record. Not that I should have to validate myself. 😉

My Life

Why all the labels?

So as mentioned in previous posts, I have many labels. I identify and genderqueer and pansexual. I’m a diagnosed schizophrenic. I consider my clothing style “Goth” and “Hippie”. So why all these labels?

They help me define who I am. However, you can let something define you without being a stereotype. Some people don’t like labels. That’s cool too. I personally, like labels so people understand me or get to know me more.

I may identify as genderqueer and pansexual, but I don’t look genderqueer or pansexual to most people. I’m married to a straight cis man. (If you must know, I’ve been with 2 girls…) I define myself as different. That’s why my username on all my social platforms is “beeurselph333”. It’s just a different way to spell “Be Yourself”. I came up with it around 2010 and haven’t stopped using it since. Again, it’s just me. I’m not the stereotypical “hipster” who is a hypocrite that goes around telling everyone, “Just be yourself. Stop trying to be like everyone else”. That’s just me being judgmental and rude, but that’s the truth. That’s how some people are.

I’ve been goth for as long as I can remember. I’ve only been wearing all black for the past 3 years. I’ve had a boho/hippie style off and on since getting my dreads in 2012. (picture above) I wear all black and some goth-aesthetic clothes, but most of my shirts are from Torrid or have something on them about being a hippie or free spirit. Yes, I do wear black. Every day. Year round. People I used to go to school with would see me outside of school and say “Oh, you’re still in all black…”, what did you expect? I’m goth. I don’t delve deep into the labels and say I’m “trad goth” or “nu goth” or “cyber goth”. I’m just… goth… with a little hippie mixed in.

Some people hate labels. Especially for your sexual orientation. A lot of people just say they are who they are, they don’t want to assign a label to it. That’s actually okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. As long as you are living life as your true self.

Here are my final words on this: At the end of the day, you can use a label; but you don’t have to be that stereotypical label to a ‘t’. You can be goth and not listen to goth bands. You can be genderqueer or androgynous and still wear dresses. You shouldn’t listen to all the elitists out there who tell you what you can and can’t wear or how you should act. At the end of the day, just be yourself, your true self. ❤

My Life

What is this whole gender thing?

So there’s a lot of controversies right now around being transgender and other genders. A lot of people are wondering, “Since when is there more than 2 genders?” Well let me tell you. I know for a fact that there were transgender men and women all the way back to the 70’s. It just wasn’t accepted then. It was a thing of the future and ignorant people didn’t understand it so they were afraid of it.

If you know me well, you know I myself identify as genderqueer. I’ve been this way for a long time, I just recently found a term that I identify with. What is genderqueer? It’s different things for different people. For me, it means I do not identify as male or female. For some people it means they identify as both. So then comes the question, “well what about pronouns?” Since I don’t publicly tell everyone I’m genderqueer, I really don’t care if I get called “She”. The pronoun thing has never mattered to me. If that’s the gender a person sees me as then that’s their opinion and they are entitled to it. That’s just the way I am. This is more of an issue for transgender people. Pronouns are typically a big thing with them because they want to validate who they really are. I’ve just accepted the fact that most of my family and friends would be uncomfortable calling me “they” or “them”, so I let them use “she”/”her” since I was born female.

“How do you dress?” How ever I want to. Maybe I’ll wear a dress and leggings. Maybe I’ll wear guys jeans with a t-shirt and a breast binder. Most days, I wear a bra, t-shirt and girls jeans. Does that make me any less genderqueer? No. I am who I am and that’s all there is to it. How do I do my hair? Well, for the last almost 2 years it has been a type of pixie. I started growing it out earlier this year and it’s almost to my shoulders. Recently I’ve decided to get it cut short again because I’m tired of dealing with it. It’s easier to manage short and I think I look better with short hair.

So let’s talk gender. Here’s from wikipedia: Genderqueer (GQ), also termed non-binary (NB), is a catch-all category for gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine‍—‌identities which are thus outside of the gender binary and cisnormativity.[1] Genderqueer people may express a combination of masculinity and femininity, or neither, in their gender expression. Genderqueer can also be called “Gender Fluid” or “Agender”.

In case you don’t understand the term “transgender” by now, this is from the gender.wikia page: Transgender or Transexuality is an umbrella term for anyone whose internal experience of gender does not match the gender they were assigned at birth (normally based on genitalia). Transgender people often experience discomfort or distress due to their gender not being recognized by others, and therefore wish to transition to being viewed as their true gender identity.

So I’m a big LGBTQ+ supporter. I have been since I was a child. I grew up around gay men and lesbian women because my mom had multiple friends that were. I watch the show “I am Jazz” and I’ve watched Caitlyn Jenner’s show “I am Cait”. I’ve also watched the ABC Family series “Becoming Us” a year or so when it was on. I’ve done my research. I’ve found that today’s millennial generation is more accepting of gender identity than the older generations. Again, people don’t like what they don’t understand. So we need to educate them. Not everyone has a supportive family when it comes to their being transgender or nonbinary.

Do your research. Read up about it. When you meet someone that is transgender or genderqueer, ask them what pronouns they prefer. Stop being stuck in the old ways just because you don’t think it’s natural. Times have changed and they are only going to change more as time goes on so you must learn to adapt.