My Life

What is this whole gender thing?

So there’s a lot of controversies right now around being transgender and other genders. A lot of people are wondering, “Since when is there more than 2 genders?” Well let me tell you. I know for a fact that there were transgender men and women all the way back to the 70’s. It just wasn’t accepted then. It was a thing of the future and ignorant people didn’t understand it so they were afraid of it.

If you know me well, you know I myself identify as genderqueer. I’ve been this way for a long time, I just recently found a term that I identify with. What is genderqueer? It’s different things for different people. For me, it means I do not identify as male or female. For some people it means they identify as both. So then comes the question, “well what about pronouns?” Since I don’t publicly tell everyone I’m genderqueer, I really don’t care if I get called “She”. The pronoun thing has never mattered to me. If that’s the gender a person sees me as then that’s their opinion and they are entitled to it. That’s just the way I am. This is more of an issue for transgender people. Pronouns are typically a big thing with them because they want to validate who they really are. I’ve just accepted the fact that most of my family and friends would be uncomfortable calling me “they” or “them”, so I let them use “she”/”her” since I was born female.

“How do you dress?” How ever I want to. Maybe I’ll wear a dress and leggings. Maybe I’ll wear guys jeans with a t-shirt and a breast binder. Most days, I wear a bra, t-shirt and girls jeans. Does that make me any less genderqueer? No. I am who I am and that’s all there is to it. How do I do my hair? Well, for the last almost 2 years it has been a type of pixie. I started growing it out earlier this year and it’s almost to my shoulders. Recently I’ve decided to get it cut short again because I’m tired of dealing with it. It’s easier to manage short and I think I look better with short hair.

So let’s talk gender. Here’s from wikipedia: Genderqueer (GQ), also termed non-binary (NB), is a catch-all category for gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine‍—‌identities which are thus outside of the gender binary and cisnormativity.[1] Genderqueer people may express a combination of masculinity and femininity, or neither, in their gender expression. Genderqueer can also be called “Gender Fluid” or “Agender”.

In case you don’t understand the term “transgender” by now, this is from the gender.wikia page: Transgender or Transexuality is an umbrella term for anyone whose internal experience of gender does not match the gender they were assigned at birth (normally based on genitalia). Transgender people often experience discomfort or distress due to their gender not being recognized by others, and therefore wish to transition to being viewed as their true gender identity.

So I’m a big LGBTQ+ supporter. I have been since I was a child. I grew up around gay men and lesbian women because my mom had multiple friends that were. I watch the show “I am Jazz” and I’ve watched Caitlyn Jenner’s show “I am Cait”. I’ve also watched the ABC Family series “Becoming Us” a year or so when it was on. I’ve done my research. I’ve found that today’s millennial generation is more accepting of gender identity than the older generations. Again, people don’t like what they don’t understand. So we need to educate them. Not everyone has a supportive family when it comes to their being transgender or nonbinary.

Do your research. Read up about it. When you meet someone that is transgender or genderqueer, ask them what pronouns they prefer. Stop being stuck in the old ways just because you don’t think it’s natural. Times have changed and they are only going to change more as time goes on so you must learn to adapt.

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My Life

What is depression?

Good question, right? Here’s the dictionary’s definition:

de·pres·sion
dəˈpreSH(ə)n/
noun
 
  1. 1.
    feelings of severe despondency and dejection.
    “self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression”

How many of you have suffered depression? Have you been depressed and not known it was depression?

Depression is not being able to get out of bed in the morning.

Depression is not wanting to be around people.

Depression is not taking care of your well being.

So many more things…

I visited with my best friend today. She’s been having a real rough time. Every time she texts me, somewhere in the conversation I ask her how she is doing. Once that question is asked, she stops texting me and doesn’t answer the question. She said the question gives her anxiety. She has been so depressed lately. She has seldom reached out to me. How does one deal with this situation? Well, personally, I thought she was mad at me so I waited for her to text me. When she did finally decide to text me, it was a passive aggressive text indicating she would never be like me. I hate when she texts me these things. It makes me feel so bad. I know I shouldn’t let it get to me, but it does. I used to tell her to stop comparing herself to me. We’re two totally different people on different journeys. Lately, however, I’ve been ignoring these texts and wait for her to send a normal one. I’m not sure if she’s caught on to my reasoning as to why I don’t text her back. In truth, I don’t really know how to respond to these texts.

My best friend is diagnosed with major depressive disorder. As am I. The difference is, I’ve been through just as many different medications as she has, I just somehow found the ones that work for me. She hasn’t been so lucky. The number of times she’s tried to kill herself in the past few years is alarming. From drinking perfume to overdosing on pills. Most people tell me I don’t need that drama in my life and if she doesn’t appreciate me, she isn’t a true friend. Here’s the thing… I look past all that because I’ve been in the same situation. I’ve felt rock bottom, it hurts. I also know what it’s like to take medications that aren’t helping you and your doctor won’t listen to you about. I’ve done a lot of research on depression and schizophrenia in my life. I’ve always been trying to find the answers to why I am, and why she is, the way we are.

A lot of people ask me, “Why would you want to kill yourself?” or say “I don’t understand how you can think like that.” The world is ignorant to what they don’t understand. If you haven’t been through it yourself, you won’t understand. Why would I want to kill myself? Because I’m selfish. I’m tired of living with pain, day after day. I’m tired of getting up every morning to the same routine. I’m tired of being tired. People who haven’t lived it will never understand.

So, the moral of the story is… Don’t ever question someone when they are suicidal. Be there for their support. If they would like to tell you how they are feeling and why they feel like killing themselves, sit back and listen. Don’t judge. Don’t talk. Don’t push. Let them come to you.

For those of you considering suicide, we understand what you are going through. Don’t give up. Confide in someone you trust instead of isolating yourself. Get help. We love you.