Creative Preface for Portfolio Poem

When she can’t sleep at night,

she thinks of what to write.

 

Ideas flow through her mind,

like visions of an acid trip,

Dripping with raw emotion and real-life experience.

 

She sits in front of her computer until her fingers hack at the keys.

There’s a story in there somewhere.

A story that originates from a young girl who lost her way.

A story of mental illness at its finest: paranoid schizophrenia.

 

It’s a blessing when it comes to writing, but it’s a curse when it comes to writing.

Too many ideas flowing at once, mostly good ideas. Mostly…

 

She’s been writing since she was young.

Her mother always told her to write how she felt.

So she did.

It started with letters from her mom, trying to help her understand reality.

Years later, she wrote letters back to her mom about how she turned out okay.

 

She advertises her books in hopes of someday making it big.

Maybe one day someone will discover her.

 

For now, she just keeps writing to escape reality.

To create her own story, the characters are her friends.

In the end, she’s not alone. Her characters are on her side.

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“Ryan” Short Story (Flash Fiction)

February 14th, 2017

Dear Diary,

I sit here all alone in an empty house with an empty heart. Tears flow down my face. Valentine’s Day is just another day for me, a very depressing day. I don’t think I will ever love again.

January 1st, 2015

Dear Diary,

Happy New Year! I spent most of my night at a party with Ryan and some of his friends. We sipped a little champagne but neither of us are major drinkers. It was fun. We kissed when the ball dropped on T.V. at midnight. Everything just feels so perfect. I feel like we’re growing into a deep relationship. It’s happening so fast, but I feel like it’s for the good of things. We’ve been dating a year as of next month, and I still feel like I could spend the rest of my life with him. I’m wondering if he has something special planned?

February 2nd, 2015

Dear Diary,

Yay! Today is Ryan and I’s 1-year anniversary! At school he told me he had something planned for us, but he just seemed different. He seemed upset about something or preoccupied. It was just weird. So he picked me up at 7PM and we went to CiCi’s pizza buffet. He let me talk most of the night. He didn’t say much. He kept looking down at the table. I asked him what was wrong, and he would just smile and say “nothing”. It was a good night, I just wish I knew what was wrong with him.

February 7th, 2015

Dear Diary,

Today was wonderful. Ryan and I laid in the back of his truck bed and kissed for a while under the stars. Here in California the weather is typically nice, so we just laid there and talked for hours. Ryan asked me a weird question. It really kind of bothered me but he wouldn’t elaborate why he asked. He asked me if I’d ever had a relationship with a girl. I said “no”. Then I asked why and he said he was just curious. Maybe he’s one of those guys that has a lesbian fetish or something. He never said any more about it. It was a beautiful night. One I will never forget. He told me after high school he was going to enlist in the army. He asked me if I’d wait for him while he went through basic training. I said of course. I’m pretty sure I’m in love. When I first saw him at school a couple of years ago, I knew I wanted to find out more about him. He just seemed different than regular guys. Now, here I am, head over heels in love with him.

 

 

 

 

February 8th, 2015

Dear Diary,

I had so much fun with Ryan today. We’re becoming so close. He seems so different. He’s not like other guys. Oh, if only I could’ve met him earlier in high school. He just moved here our sophomore year. He hangs out with some misfits, but I wouldn’t say they are a bad crowd. There is this one girl he talks to a lot. She’s transgender. She’s transitioning from being a guy into a girl. He’s really close to her. She calls herself Chasity. I’ve known her as Chase all he life. Never did I ever get a hint that he would become a girl. Overall, Ryan’s great. It’s just sometimes he seems to be secretive. He always acts like he’s hiding something. It bothers me. I tell him all the time to be open with me and he assures me he is.

February 13th, 2015

Dear Diary,

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I can’t wait to see Ryan. I’m sure he went all out for me. Candies, flowers, a lovely card. He spoils me so! I wrote up a nice card for him. I wrote “Ryan, my one true love; I will love you forever and always. May nothing ever come between us. May we always find happiness within each other. I love you. -Gina”

February 13th, 2015

I was so happy when Ryan picked me up, so full of excitement. He’s such a romantic, so I was sure it was going to be a great date. He wanted to do Valentine’s Day a day early. I’m still not sure why. Of course, as soon as I sat down in his green pickup truck, he pushed a dozen roses at me in a beautiful bouquet. He kissed me on the cheek and told me “Happy Valentine’s Day”. The whole drive to Flat Top Grill he held my hand in the middle of the console. It was the interlaced fingers type of hand holding. Not him literally putting his hand on mine. It’s as if our hands were meant to interlock, they just fit so perfectly. I couldn’t stop smiling. I was so happy. This is the guy I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. We’re going to prom this year, our senior year. I just feel like fate has brought us together. I can’t imagine my life without him. When we were at Flat Top I couldn’t stop talking out of nervousness. We’ve only been together a year, but he still gives me the butterflies when I’m around him. He just looked me directly in the eye, smiled, and listened. It was a simple date, one for the books. I expected a bit more romance, but it’s okay. I enjoyed my time with him.

February 18th, 2015

Dear Diary,

I know it’s been a few days. I’m sorry. I’ve just been so lost in my thoughts and I just didn’t feel like writing. After Ryan dropped me off at home for the night of our date, he surprised us all. He committed suicide. He shot himself up with heroin and then slit his wrists. The police think he didn’t succeed with his planned heroin overdose, so he had to slit his wrists. I just don’t understand. He didn’t leave a note, he just left us all in the dark. There were no signs leading up to it. He was perfectly happy, his same old self. I’m still in shock. I keep looking at my phone hoping he’ll text me, but I keep having to tell myself he’s gone. If I knew Ryan as well as I thought I did, I know he would never do drugs, especially heroin. I just feel so numb. I don’t know what to do. We had our whole life planned out with each other. I just can’t figure out why he’d do this to us, especially me. He always talked about how he planned to spend the rest of his life with me and one day we’d live in a farm house out in the country away from everyone. We’d have a few kids…. Everything was supposed to end out perfect. Why did he not only ruin his life, but mine as well?

February 20th, 2015

Dear Diary,

Today I went to see Ryan’s parents. They left his room exactly as if he was still coming home. I went in his room and threw myself down in the middle of his full-size bed. I looked up at the ceiling. He had a Pink Floyd cloth poster on the ceiling. I didn’t know he even liked Pink Floyd. I thought he listened to new music. I found myself alone in my thoughts again in his room. I kept looking at my phone out of habit, but no one was texting me. All I saw was a picture of Ryan and I on my lock screen of my iPhone. I talked with his mom about him a little bit. She said he always spoke very highly of me, but he didn’t tell me everything about himself. It was as if she was hiding a secret. I needed to know. What did I not know about Ryan?

February 20th, 2015

Dear Diary,

Everything I thought I knew was a lie. Ryan’s (if I can even call this person that) mom showed me baby pictures. He was not born a boy. He was born a girl. Ryan was transgender. Of course, we made out a lot, but we never got to having sex. We didn’t think we were ready. Little did I know, Ryan didn’t want to have sex because of his gender dysphoria. He was going to get his bottom surgery the summer after our senior year. He was practically living a double life. That’s why he was so close to Chasity because she was transgender too. His parents put him on hormone blockers when he was young, so he never filled out like a girl. He worked out constantly and was taking hormone replacement (testosterone) shots, so he was built like a boy. He looked exactly like a high school boy. I just can’t believe I never thought about it or noticed it. I feel like I’ve been left in the dark! I guess I’m going to have to think about this.

February 20th, 2015

Dear Diary,

After talking with Ryan’s mom, I feel like all the signs were there. The night of our 1-year anniversary is when his depression started, at least that’s what his mom thought. She said he just stayed in his room and didn’t talk much. He would crank up his music and just lay in bed. She said she thought she heard him sniffling like he was crying but she wasn’t sure. She tried reaching out to him and he wouldn’t tell her what was going on. So here we are basically in the dark wondering why he did this. I almost wonder if it was because he was basically lying to me every time he was with me. I don’t understand why he wouldn’t just tell me he was trans. Then again, I don’t know if I would’ve accepted him in the beginning knowing that fact. God, I’m just so confused. I can’t stop crying.

 

 

February 14th, 2017

Dear Diary,

I find myself coming back to you, seeking some sort of sympathy. My own pity party, I suppose. I just can’t believe it’s been two years since the love of my life has left me. So many unanswered questions. I will never be attracted to another person. I will always love him more than I ever will anyone else. There’s nothing like your first love. It’s an indescribable feeling. Well I’m not sure what else to write so I guess I’ll continue crying but stop here.

February 14th, 2018

Dear Diary,

So now after 3 years of being without my significant other, I’m questioning my sexuality. Am I straight? Am I gay? Am I pansexual? Am I a lesbian? What am I? There are just so many choices. I’m pretty much over the fact that Ryan was a pre-operation trans guy, but it leaves me wondering who I’m attracted to. Ryan was a girl this whole time. Does that make me a lesbian?

February 14th, 2018

Dear Diary,

After much thought, I think I’ve decided I’m pansexual. I obviously don’t have a problem dating trans guys and I could see myself with a girl, plus I judge people more on their personality than I do their looks. I just hope one day I can love again. I feel like I’ll never meet another person like Ryan. He was perfect. I still find myself wondering why he had to do this to me. I think it’s something I will never get over. I just hope he’s finally at peace with himself.

February 15th, 2018

I know I haven’t written much, I’m sorry. I’ve just been so busy. I’m in my first year at a four year college and I don’t think I’ve ever had this much homework. I’m trying to move on with my life, but it’s so difficult. Especially when you can’t find another person like your first love. I know it’s partly my fault, because I don’t ever give anyone a chance. I’m just so scared. I don’t want to be tricked again. I don’t want to lose someone again. Losing Ryan was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I know I have to move on.

 

“Depression” Poem

de·pres·sion \~\n. 1. The chill down your spine when you’re in a room full of people but feel so utterly alone. 2. The feeling of not having the motivation to do anything or go anywhere; talking to someone even seems like too much work. 3. The silence you long to hear when your mind is thinking dark thoughts. 4. Sleep seems like a great escape from reality 5. Feeling numb: I spend my days crying, I spend my nights crying/I wallow alone in my own self-pity/this feeling I just cannot shake/I’m not sure how much more I can take/the overwhelming feeling of everything around me/I don’t want to hurt anymore/crying/crying/I feel so alone in the world/I can’t breathe out of my nose from crying so much/My eyes sting from crying so much/I wake up in the morning and my eyes are swollen from crying so much/I feel like such a burden to everyone/Why do I feel these feelings/Why is being happy so hard to do?

Since I’m done with my Creative Writing class…

I’m going to be posting some of my work from the class on here. I have 7 pieces. 4 poems, a short story, and a play. I just finished the revisions on all of them last night. I have to print them all out with the original before revisions and make it into a portfolio. Stay tuned. I’ll post one tonight and schedule some more for the week.

[3] S4: continued “Derek”

I open the metal door to the Circle K gas station. The girl with the black hair and red streak looks at me suspiciously. I decide to be ballsy so I smiled and winked at her. Then I realized my hood was tightened over my face. I quickly pull it down off my head. She watches me walk to the back of the store.

I look at the ceiling trying to find cameras. The only ones I see are near the alcohol. I figure now is as good a time as any to have sticky fingers. I grab a protein bar and shove it in my hoodie pocket as quickly as I can. I lean over at the end of the isle. The girl was too busy ringing up a customer to notice, at least that’s what I thought. I decided to bolt for the door.

“Hey, you!” A voice calls. I stop at the door and am sure I’m busted. I turn around and the beautiful girl is looking at me. She nods her head and says “Come here.” I walk up to the counter hoping she’s not going to call the cops. She looks me up and down.

“Don’t I know you from somewhere?” She asks. I can see her looking deep into my eyes trying to figure me out. I clear my throat and try to calm down.

“I don’t think so,” I say cooly. “But I’d like to know you.” I flash my teeth and smile big for her. She giggles and turns around behind the cash register. She turns back around after a few minutes and slides me a piece of paper.

“Here’s my number. Text me sometime.” She says with a smile. I take the piece of paper and shove it in my hoodie pocket with the protein bar. The sensor above the door sings as I leave.

Once I get a few feet away from Circle K, I look around. No cops or anyone following me. I open the protein bar and eat it quickly. I was so hungry. I hadn’t ate in days. Dad doesn’t keep much food around the house. Just another great thing about him. As I finish the protein bar I remember the piece of paper she gave me. I open it up. It says “Samantha 309-838-5555” with a little heart next to her name.

Being one of the poor kids, I don’t usually pull many girls. I was surprised that this one willingly gave me her number. I’d never seen her before. She must got to a different school.

I keep walking. My feet start to ache when I realize how far I’ve walked. I’m in the next town over. Normal. You can’t find many “normal” people here…

“True friends stab you in the front”

While on my way home from a small town this evening I found myself trying to think of blog posts since I haven’t posted one in a while. I had Spotify on and I was listening to the “Bullet for my Valentine” radio station. A song I’ve heard on this station before, and because it was my album of the month for August, was “True Friends” by Bring me the Horizon. The lyrics go like this: “I wouldn’t hold my breath if I was you, ‘Cause I’ll forget but I’ll never forgive you, Don’t you know, don’t you know? True friends stab you in the front”.

This resonates with me so much right now. I’ve recently lost my best friend, for about the 3rd time. No, she didn’t die. She basically disowned me. Again… You see… my best friend has a lot of problems. Being suicidal is #1. She’s been so depressed lately after her most recent suicide attempt a couple of months back. She never texts me back. She doesn’t text me at all. When I text her and ask her why she won’t text me back, she’ll say something smart-assy like “I didn’t know it was a requirement”. It really pisses me off. We hung out back in July and she was totally fine when we hung out. She wasn’t as talkative as usual, but she seemed like she was enjoying herself. She actually reached out to me at that time and asked me to hang out. I was surprised since she hadn’t been texting me much lately.

I’m very disappointed, to say the least. I haven’t talked to her since July. She’s since gone back to school in Chicago and I start college on Monday. I really wanted to be able to come home Monday and text her and tell her how awesome my 1st day of college was. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll be doing that. I’ve finally decided I’ve had enough. I know when people are depressed and suicidal you shouldn’t ditch them or stop being their friend, but I’ve had enough. I’m not reaching out to her anymore. I’m not texting her, not calling her. I may even take her off my Christmas card list. I just can’t take it. You’re supposed to be my best friend. We’ve been close since 2010. That’s 7 years. Where have those years gone? Apparently down the drain.

It’s so hard for me to make this decision. I have no idea how I’m going to react when she finally texts me out of the blue because I know she will eventually. She always does. I may want to text her back right then and there and be overjoyed to hear from her. However, I will have to stop myself and ignore the text. She’s pushing away all the people that care about her. I just don’t understand how she can do this. Throwing a friendship of almost a decade, well, we’ve known each other since we were kids, but throwing all that away? It’s just sad. I will always care for her, but I just can’t do it anymore.

So when your friend tries to commit suicide for the umpteenth time unsuccessfully and shuts you out. Don’t go pushing and fighting to retain their friendship. It’s not worth the drama. Lesson learned.

Why I’ve chosen not to have kids

Reproducing, huh? Everyone seems to be doing it. (No pun intended) Most people after they settle down and get married start to think about having kids. Some people have kids before they’re even ready. Then there’s us. The small percentage of the population that has chosen not to have children.

“Why?” you may ask. My response is “Why should I?” What’s so great about having kids? My husband and I have always been somewhat awkward around kids. I personally am not a huge fan of kids. Mainly because I have a quick temper and I’m impatient.

Today I went with my mom to hang out with my little cousins ages 7 and 2 I believe. The 7-year-old girl warmed up to me pretty fast. She sat down next to me and started blabbing about how she “hates” this and “hates” that. I explained to her that hating something is not very nice. “Do you hate everything?” I asked her. “No. I don’t hate you. I don’t hate my brother. I don’t hate my dog.” was her response. Mind you the mother of these children has brainwashed them both. She herself has a multitude of problems. Later when the kids were eating the 7-year-old kept hitting her 2-year-old brother and saying he hit her. I watched the whole thing. He didn’t lay a finger on her. When my mom took her upstairs to change clothes she put on a long sleeve shirt and leggings. It was around 80 some degrees out today. It was hot. She made it a point to let us know she’s cold in the summer and hot in the winter. Now to most people, this might sound like regular child like behavior. To me, it was annoying.

When we were in the car waiting for their mom to pick them up, the 7-year-old got out of her car seat and started climbing around the car like a jungle gym. She climbed onto the head rests of the front seats and put her feet in my mom’s face. My mom told her to act right and she actually started yelling at my mom! “Who do you think you’re yelling at?” I asked her. She didn’t answer me. She just kept arguing with my mom. See, here’s the problem. If that was my child, I’d probably have DCFS called on me because I would smack her upside her head. However, in this situation, she’s not my child and I was not in charge of her at this point. Now I’m a liberal as much as the next millenial, but I still believe in scolding your children. Maybe not abusing them or neglecting them, but spanking or smacking them when they need it. I learned at a young age, time out doesn’t nothing for me. How do I know it would work on any other kid?

Want to know the main reason I don’t want to have kids? They are embarrassing. You have to drag them everywhere and most will throw fits when they don’t get what they want. They’re rude, disrespectful, and annoying. Again, this is my personal opinion because I’m not a kid person. My husband’s reasoning behind not wanting children is because he doesn’t want to raise a child in the cruel world of today’s society. He was bullied as a child and he doesn’t want our child to go through that. Another reason he doesn’t want kids is because we would be passing on our mental health issues to a child, who doesn’t deserve to live with them. How do you respond to “Why do I feel like this?” when your child is depressed? I’m a heavily medicated, diagnosed schizophrenic and my husband has major depression. I would never want a child to have to deal with that.

My mom has even told me she doesn’t think I should have kids. That must mean something, right? From the age of 14, I practically raised my 4-year-old sister myself. My step-dad worked nights and my mom was gone for over 6 months for training to be a flight attendant. I was in charge of making sure my sister ate and did what she needed to do. Awesome, a free babysitter, right? Wrong. Not awesome. This is another reason I don’t want to have kids. I was in charge of my sister for many years and in a way, to me, that was like raising my old child.

We all have different opinions on children. Most people love them. Trust me, I’ve tried to love them. I don’t. My husband doesn’t either. There’s no doubt in our minds, even only at age 26, we are not having children. To much dismay of our peers and family, it just isn’t happening. There are so many people I know that are living their lives without having kids. To me, it looks like a pretty decent way to live. Sure we won’t have kids to throw us in a nursing home when we get old, but at least we’ll die together knowing we loved each other and we didn’t let a kid tear our marriage apart.

Just one woman’s perspective of life without kids. If you want kids, more power to you. We live in America where you have the freedom to do pretty much whatever you want. I won’t lose any respect for you if you have kids, I’ll actually gain respect, for I cannot deal with kids.