My Life

“True friends stab you in the front”

While on my way home from a small town this evening I found myself trying to think of blog posts since I haven’t posted one in a while. I had Spotify on and I was listening to the “Bullet for my Valentine” radio station. A song I’ve heard on this station before, and because it was my album of the month for August, was “True Friends” by Bring me the Horizon. The lyrics go like this: “I wouldn’t hold my breath if I was you, ‘Cause I’ll forget but I’ll never forgive you, Don’t you know, don’t you know? True friends stab you in the front”.

This resonates with me so much right now. I’ve recently lost my best friend, for about the 3rd time. No, she didn’t die. She basically disowned me. Again… You see… my best friend has a lot of problems. Being suicidal is #1. She’s been so depressed lately after her most recent suicide attempt a couple of months back. She never texts me back. She doesn’t text me at all. When I text her and ask her why she won’t text me back, she’ll say something smart-assy like “I didn’t know it was a requirement”. It really pisses me off. We hung out back in July and she was totally fine when we hung out. She wasn’t as talkative as usual, but she seemed like she was enjoying herself. She actually reached out to me at that time and asked me to hang out. I was surprised since she hadn’t been texting me much lately.

I’m very disappointed, to say the least. I haven’t talked to her since July. She’s since gone back to school in Chicago and I start college on Monday. I really wanted to be able to come home Monday and text her and tell her how awesome my 1st day of college was. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll be doing that. I’ve finally decided I’ve had enough. I know when people are depressed and suicidal you shouldn’t ditch them or stop being their friend, but I’ve had enough. I’m not reaching out to her anymore. I’m not texting her, not calling her. I may even take her off my Christmas card list. I just can’t take it. You’re supposed to be my best friend. We’ve been close since 2010. That’s 7 years. Where have those years gone? Apparently down the drain.

It’s so hard for me to make this decision. I have no idea how I’m going to react when she finally texts me out of the blue because I know she will eventually. She always does. I may want to text her back right then and there and be overjoyed to hear from her. However, I will have to stop myself and ignore the text. She’s pushing away all the people that care about her. I just don’t understand how she can do this. Throwing a friendship of almost a decade, well, we’ve known each other since we were kids, but throwing all that away? It’s just sad. I will always care for her, but I just can’t do it anymore.

So when your friend tries to commit suicide for the umpteenth time unsuccessfully and shuts you out. Don’t go pushing and fighting to retain their friendship. It’s not worth the drama. Lesson learned.

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My Life

Life Update

So I got my hair cut. Short. Again… [lol] I also colored it blue. I think it looks lovely. I loved my hair blue. I’ve gotten a lot of compliments so far. I believe it suits me.

I start school a week from this coming Monday. I’m so excited, anxious, and nervous. I’m interested to see how much homework I have for each class. I’m really excited for the Intro to Psychology and Literature in Film classes. I’m just worried Logan won’t have been switched to nights my first day of class. They still haven’t let him know much about when he’s being moved. You see, we only have one car…

It’s going to be so nice when he gets that extra pay per week. I have a credit card that is almost maxed out and another credit card that is maxed out. I’m just excited to get out of debt and be able to pay off my college tuitions.

However, I’m not looking forward to Logan not being beside me when I go to sleep at night. Ever since we moved in together I have always had the fear that someone is going to break into our house in the middle of the night and I’m not going to wake up for it. So now, he’s going to be working from 7PM-7AM and I’m scared to sleep by myself.

I thought about getting a gun. Then I remembered I have been suicidal in the past and it’s probably not a good idea for me to have a gun. I told Logan if he ever wanted to get one to keep it where I couldn’t access it. Since we will have the extra income I’m thinking about getting a security system. We’ll see.

Once we get most of everything paid off, we can finally get another car, start upgrading the house, get central air conditioning installed, and get both of us some well over due dental work. I know I have high hopes. I just hope it all works out and I don’t jinx it.

I posted my August reviews. I know it’s a bit early. I questioned if I should do a “CD” review since I don’t believe anyone buys CD’s anymore except me. I did include it with a link to the album on Amazon in case you want to sample it or buy it.

Not that much has been going on. I’ve been helping my Aunt with stuff for an upcoming court date. I’ve been spending too much money on my credit card online. I always buy so much clothing and makeup! That’s about all that’s going on here. I apologize for not writing recently. I’ve been out of ideas on what to write about. Hope you all are well!

My Life

A marriage with one income (and no kids)

Currently, I don’t work. I’m actually starting college at the age of 26 in the fall. Since I’m basically going to school full time, I have little time for a part time job. I also WILL NOT work in food service. That’s my personal choice. I’ve applied at an office and have an interview tomorrow, but I’m doubting they will hire me because of my crazy hours.

Last week I was talking to my husband and he said if this place doesn’t hire me, he’s not too worried about me getting a job. He actually just got a promotion and I’m hoping it doesn’t fall through. Once he gets it he will be making about $300 extra a week. Thankfully then we can start paying off all our debt. Between the two of us, we are both in major credit card debt. Anyway, I was actually surprised when he said this. I couldn’t believe he actually didn’t care if I worked. “Yeah, it’d be nice to have more extra money, but I’m not forcing you to” is basically what he said.

I quit my well-paying job back in 2015 and have been unemployed ever since. I went to Cosmetology school full time and that didn’t work out so well. I did have a salon job for a few months earlier this year but I was fired because I wasn’t getting through training quick enough and my manager said she didn’t have time to train me. After getting fired, I had to decide what I wanted to do. I love writing. I do it frequently. I decided to go to school to major in journalism and creative writing.

Living on one income is a bit difficult. We barely skate by and like I said, we have major credit card debt. I’m the one that pays the bills so I have to budget every week my husband gets paid and we are limited to how much money we can spend on groceries. We aren’t able to splurge and buy all kinds of food at the store. We don’t get to buy extra stuff that often, which is why we are in credit card debt. Between the two of us, we go to multiple doctors appointments and each have our own medications we have to pay for. We have 4 pet ferrets we have to buy food, treats, and litter for. It really all adds up.

My husband is a hard worker. He works every day, 5 days a week for 8 hours a day at a factory job that’s he’s been at for 6 years. He’s been so supportive of me over the years.

I happened to pass along to my mom what my husband said about me not having to work. She wasn’t very happy about it. “Don’t you want to make your own money?” She asked. “No. Not really.” I said. I can see how that can be taken as me being lazy, but you have to understand, I’m going to school full time. I want to focus on school. I want to have time to study. I don’t want to overwhelm myself, which I get overwhelmed very easily. My parents are both always on me about getting a job. I just don’t get why it’s so important for me to have a job. It’s so annoying. I wish they would just let me live my life. It’s not like they’re paying for my schooling. My husband is paying for me to go through school and I’m forever grateful for that. They don’t live with me. They don’t pay our bills. If my husband, who is the sole source of our income tells me I don’t have to work, I’m not going to work unless I have to.

Call me lazy all you want, but after I graduate college, I do intend to get a job. I just don’t think it’s the best thing to do right now. However, if I get this office job, I get it and I will work part time. We just have to see how it pans out. Moral of the story is, it’s hard to skimp by with one income, but if you can live comfortably and your significant other supports you, go for it!

My Life

Hello and welcome!

Thank you first and foremost for checking out my blog. I’m not certain how long this blog will be up or if I will continue blogging after I start school, but I look forward to sharing my life with you and having you along my journey of this thing called “life”.

You may or may not have already noticed my facebook page located to the right of this advertising my books. That’s right. I’m a self-published author and let me tell you, it’s a difficult business. I think I have put more money into advertising my books than I have actually made off of them. Feel free to check them out, both available on amazon.com.

Two months ago I thought my journey in life was ending. They say “one door closes and another opens”. Well, one door opened and then kicked me right back out. I was in Cosmetology school from February 2016 – May 2017. I thought I was doing great. I thought I was going to make it big in the hair business. Little did I know, I didn’t have the skill. My teachers told me I had it and I believed them. However, when I got a job at SuperCuts, I learned I didn’t have the skill at all. I had the basics and pretty much everything I learned was thrown out the window. By June I got fired from SuperCuts because they felt they had trained me enough but I wasn’t working up to par. What a nightmare… So I had two choices. Leave the hair business behind and move forward, or continue working in the hair business. Seeing as I didn’t think I had the skill to be successful doing hair, I decided I wanted to go to college. Real college. By mid-June, I was already enrolling at Heartland Community College to pursue my Associates in English.

By June I got fired from SuperCuts because they felt they had trained me enough but I wasn’t working up to par. What a nightmare… So I had two choices. Leave the hair business behind and move forward, or continue working in the hair business. Seeing as I didn’t think I had the skill to be successful doing hair, I decided I wanted to go to college. Real college. By mid-June, I was already enrolling at Heartland Community College to pursue my Associates in English. When I get my mind set on something I want to get it done. However, I’m the type of person that once I get about half way through, I want to quit and start something else. I guess I have A.D.D.

So here I am, almost at the end of July and am looking forward to starting school in late August. I’m so anxious. I just hope I don’t overwhelm myself.

When I was in High School, I thought I was going to graduate then go to Cosmetology School. That was my only plan. I hated school, especially High School, and I couldn’t see myself going to college. After going through Cosmetology school at 25, I learned I can do homework and take tests, even as a late bloomer. I dropped out of high school my senior year, started a full-time job at a place that put me through pure hell (but I made pretty good money), and got my G. E. D. So after quitting the place I called Hell, I was unemployed for almost 2 years. I felt my only option was to go to Cosmetology school.

What you may not know, is that through all of this, I discovered just how mentally ill and mentally unstable I am. I have thrown crying fits at my husband because he couldn’t help me. I’ve cried myself to sleep. I’ve planned out ways to kill myself. I’ve self-harmed. Through all this, I’m still standing. You don’t even want to hear about my dark childhood. My parents did the best they could, but things happen, unfortunately.

At the end of the day, I just want people to know things get better. I’ve talked so many people out of suicide. My husband when we were in high school, and my best friend who struggles on a daily basis. Dealing with suicidal people is hard, but dealing with suicide is harder. Keep your family and friends close. You never know what they are going through.

That’s my rant for today. Thanks for sticking around. 😉