So throughout my life, I’ve undergone many different religious “epiphanies”. Since I was very young, my Grandma raised me Christian in a Methodist church. I just kind of followed along with it. My Mom wasn’t really religious. Neither was my Dad. They didn’t go to church, pretty much ever. Grandma went to church EVERY. SUNDAY. 8AM Service. I went to my Grandma’s every weekend growing up.
When I was 13, I went through “confirmation” and joined the church and was baptized. I was very active in the church there for a while. I would volunteer to play piano for church and sing songs. It was a joke to me. I didn’t even know why I was doing it. I was religiously confused. As I got older, more and more I didn’t go to Grandma’s on the weekend because I didn’t want to have to go to church. While I was in High School, I considered myself an atheist. I didn’t believe in anything and quite honestly, I didn’t care. I literally did not care about anything, including my grades.
When I turned 18 I somehow found out about Paganism and Wicca. A year or so later I joined a coven. I felt like I was home. I loved my teachers, all the other members. It was perfect. I finally felt like I had found my religion. I did that for a few years. I was even married by a pagan High Priest from my coven and had the traditional handfasting ceremony. Everything was perfect.
I soon became bored with it and confused. “Is this really what I believe? Is this the right thing? Will I ever know what religion I’m supposed to me?” These were often thoughts I had to myself. All of a sudden, I stopped going to my coven’s meetings. I did solitary rituals and did a few spells here and there. I meditated a lot and had some short discussions with my Pagan God and Goddess. I would always question it. “Is it just my conscience talking to me or is it really the word of my deities?” Something in me just felt like what I was doing was betraying my Christian roots.
So I went back to that church in my early 20’s and started going to a non-denominational church which was led by the pastor of my old small church. He made the messages so relatable and I finally felt like I was in the right place. Then I got bored again. I went back to my coven. This cycle happened not once… but twice. I struggled to try to stay Christian knowing that so many (well, most) Christian’s are against gay marriage and the transgender community. I’m a huge supporter of the LGBT+ community and it’s one thing I really believe in as far as equality. I’m a very open-minded person.
This summer, the cycle started again. All of the last year I considered myself Christian and started finding myself posting bible verses on my facebook. I felt like that’s where I needed to be. I felt I was Christian. I went to a few church services between my home church and my other church I went to. Then starting this year, I felt I was Pagan again. So I started going back to my coven and I even went to their annual weekend camping trip, which I had so much fun at. However, I still just felt like I was doing something wrong.
Most recently, I decided to go back to church. The only problem was my home church is 20 minutes away and my other regular church that was in town disbanded due to lack of funds to keep it going. It was very disappointing. So I decided to try out my best friend’s church again. I was raised in a Methodist church, and I like the Methodist church. My best friend is Lutheran, which I consider very close to Catholic. While there is nothing wrong with being Lutheran or Catholic, I just don’t feel like those churches are for me.
As I was researching churches in town, I found so many of them on their websites saying that do not accept gay people. It really bugged me. How can you say you’re such a welcoming church and shun gay people? It’s stupid. After addressing this with my best friend, she suggested I try the Methodist church in our sister town. It’s about 15 minutes away from my house. That night I drove to the church and just sat in the parking lot and marveled at how huge the church was. I felt a spark in my soul. I talked to my Grandma about going there and come to find out, the co-pastor used to be a pastor at my home church and married my Mom and my biological father. So there was a connection.
I went to this church with my Mom the next Sunday. On the way there, I turned on some Christian music on Spotify on my phone and my Mom laughed at me. “What, are you, Grandma, now?” She asked. It bugged me a little, but I was trying to set the mood.
We were greeted by very friendly people at the door. It was a huge church, even bigger once you’re inside. The co-pastor who married my parents gave the sermon. There was something about her words that just resonated with me. The message was on kindness, something I need to be schooled on badly. After the service, I was happy, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to join just yet.
Today, Grandma drove to town and went to church with me. We talked with the co-pastor and she reminisced with Grandma a little. Grandma just spoke so highly of her. I could see why. She has an amazing personality and she is just one of the nicest people you will ever meet. So, today I decided I want to join the church. I’m also getting involved in the church. Next Sunday I have lunch with both Pastors to discuss joining the church. This coming Wednesday I’ll be packing meals with the church to support the community. Then next Tuesday I have a meeting to discuss starting a Young Adult group. I’m so excited. I finally feel like I’m a part of something big. Something that feels right.
At the end of the day, I feel like I’m always going to be Pagan deep down. Now I just consider myself ChristoPagan. A mix of Christian and Pagan. I believe in Jesus Christ, God, and my Goddess, Mary Magdalene. I may do spells here and there. I pray every night. But now I have a church to call home. I feel content and welcome.
I hope everyone found this insightful. Love is all around us.