My Life

Why all the labels?

So as mentioned in previous posts, I have many labels. I identify and genderqueer and pansexual. I’m a diagnosed schizophrenic. I consider my clothing style “Goth” and “Hippie”. So why all these labels?

They help me define who I am. However, you can let something define you without being a stereotype. Some people don’t like labels. That’s cool too. I personally, like labels so people understand me or get to know me more.

I may identify as genderqueer and pansexual, but I don’t look genderqueer or pansexual to most people. I’m married to a straight cis man. (If you must know, I’ve been with 2 girls…) I define myself as different. That’s why my username on all my social platforms is “beeurselph333”. It’s just a different way to spell “Be Yourself”. I came up with it around 2010 and haven’t stopped using it since. Again, it’s just me. I’m not the stereotypical “hipster” who is a hypocrite that goes around telling everyone, “Just be yourself. Stop trying to be like everyone else”. That’s just me being judgmental and rude, but that’s the truth. That’s how some people are.

I’ve been goth for as long as I can remember. I’ve only been wearing all black for the past 3 years. I’ve had a boho/hippie style off and on since getting my dreads in 2012. (picture above) I wear all black and some goth-aesthetic clothes, but most of my shirts are from Torrid or have something on them about being a hippie or free spirit. Yes, I do wear black. Every day. Year round. People I used to go to school with would see me outside of school and say “Oh, you’re still in all black…”, what did you expect? I’m goth. I don’t delve deep into the labels and say I’m “trad goth” or “nu goth” or “cyber goth”. I’m just… goth… with a little hippie mixed in.

Some people hate labels. Especially for your sexual orientation. A lot of people just say they are who they are, they don’t want to assign a label to it. That’s actually okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. As long as you are living life as your true self.

Here are my final words on this: At the end of the day, you can use a label; but you don’t have to be that stereotypical label to a ‘t’. You can be goth and not listen to goth bands. You can be genderqueer or androgynous and still wear dresses. You shouldn’t listen to all the elitists out there who tell you what you can and can’t wear or how you should act. At the end of the day, just be yourself, your true self. ❤

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My Life

Sibling age gaps

If you’ve been reading my posts you may know that I have a sister. We have a 10-year gap between us. What was it like for me in the beginning up to now?

When I found out my mom was pregnant with my sister, I completely shut down. I didn’t understand. I was 10 years old and an only child. I loved being an only child. How could my parents do this to me? It made me really depressed. That’s when I started acting out and getting bad grades.

When my sister was born, I was still confused on how I felt about her. I held her a few times. I changed her diaper maybe once or twice. I got yelled at by my step-dad because they were stupid enough to lay her on the couch when she was an infant and I was supposed to watch her. Well, she rolled off the couch. Of course, it was MY fault, because I wasn’t watching her. Even though my sister was a good baby, she annoyed the living crap out of me. The amount of attention everyone was giving her really got to me. That’s when I started to become a very angry child.

By the time my sister was 2, I really didn’t have a problem with her. She was actually pretty funny. I would record her on my grandma’s video camera singing or saying funny things. It was fun. However, I couldn’t shake the jealousy I had over how much attention my step-dad gave her compared to me. I mean, I understand it’s different because she’s his child by blood, but I came first. When you got with my mom, you knew what you were getting yourself into. Believe me, he did. I put up a protest when he got with my mom, to the point, he almost left her (so she says).

When she was 4 is when I really started to love her. I was still jealous of her, but I loved her. I was 14, my cousin was 10; we would make my sister play parts in the movies we made on grandma’s video camera with Barbie’s. She did pretty well. We even recorded a fashion show when I did both of their makeup and picked out their outfits. I even made a few music videos with her. We had fun. However, that’s my end of the spectrum. Not everything was always so fun for her. I TORMENTED her. Constantly. She had this Dora the Explorer backpack that sang. I would put it at the top of the stairs and hide behind a wall with my scary alien mask on. I’d yell down to her to come get her Dora backpack and I’d scare the living crap out of her. That was just ONE of the ways I tortured her. I also had a problem when I was 14, 15, 16, and 17 with sneaking boys over when I was supposed to be watching her. We would go in my room and… do things… while my poor sister was downstairs. Not many people know that. To this day I still regret being such a sleeze in front of my sister and not spending time with her. She didn’t need to deal with that, especially at such a young age. I will always be sorry for that.

Fast forward… When I moved out on my (then boyfriend, now husband)’s 18th birthday during the summer, it was pretty hard. After living with your family for so many years and being comfortable with the way things were, it was hard to leave them knowing you wouldn’t see them much. Obviously, I didn’t feel that way at the time I moved out. I was happy as hell to get out of that house and away from those people. All I did was fight with my parents all the time. Especially my step-dad. I was basically their free babysitter, so I was happy to get away and spend my days with the love of my life.

When we were finally tired of dealing with our apartment, we decided we wanted to rent a house. Well, we couldn’t find any nice houses with cheap enough rent. You know what we did? The house next door to my parent’s house that I grew up in had been for sale for almost 2 years. No one wanted it. We decided to buy it. I hated living in my apartment and not seeing my sister or my parents. We honestly never saw them. They hardly visited. I went to their house every once in a while. We didn’t really call each other. It was crazy. So when we bought the house it became a major convenience and brought me and my sister closer than ever.

My sister and I may be polar opposites, but we are good sisters to each other. We always try to help each other out. We talk almost daily. I love her like she’s my own daughter or best friend. I’m not sure what I’d do without her. She’s the greatest sister I could ever ask for. After all those years of being jealous of her, I kinda still am, but I still love her. I guess there will always be sibling rivalry.

My Life

What is this whole gender thing?

So there’s a lot of controversies right now around being transgender and other genders. A lot of people are wondering, “Since when is there more than 2 genders?” Well let me tell you. I know for a fact that there were transgender men and women all the way back to the 70’s. It just wasn’t accepted then. It was a thing of the future and ignorant people didn’t understand it so they were afraid of it.

If you know me well, you know I myself identify as genderqueer. I’ve been this way for a long time, I just recently found a term that I identify with. What is genderqueer? It’s different things for different people. For me, it means I do not identify as male or female. For some people it means they identify as both. So then comes the question, “well what about pronouns?” Since I don’t publicly tell everyone I’m genderqueer, I really don’t care if I get called “She”. The pronoun thing has never mattered to me. If that’s the gender a person sees me as then that’s their opinion and they are entitled to it. That’s just the way I am. This is more of an issue for transgender people. Pronouns are typically a big thing with them because they want to validate who they really are. I’ve just accepted the fact that most of my family and friends would be uncomfortable calling me “they” or “them”, so I let them use “she”/”her” since I was born female.

“How do you dress?” How ever I want to. Maybe I’ll wear a dress and leggings. Maybe I’ll wear guys jeans with a t-shirt and a breast binder. Most days, I wear a bra, t-shirt and girls jeans. Does that make me any less genderqueer? No. I am who I am and that’s all there is to it. How do I do my hair? Well, for the last almost 2 years it has been a type of pixie. I started growing it out earlier this year and it’s almost to my shoulders. Recently I’ve decided to get it cut short again because I’m tired of dealing with it. It’s easier to manage short and I think I look better with short hair.

So let’s talk gender. Here’s from wikipedia: Genderqueer (GQ), also termed non-binary (NB), is a catch-all category for gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine‍—‌identities which are thus outside of the gender binary and cisnormativity.[1] Genderqueer people may express a combination of masculinity and femininity, or neither, in their gender expression. Genderqueer can also be called “Gender Fluid” or “Agender”.

In case you don’t understand the term “transgender” by now, this is from the gender.wikia page: Transgender or Transexuality is an umbrella term for anyone whose internal experience of gender does not match the gender they were assigned at birth (normally based on genitalia). Transgender people often experience discomfort or distress due to their gender not being recognized by others, and therefore wish to transition to being viewed as their true gender identity.

So I’m a big LGBTQ+ supporter. I have been since I was a child. I grew up around gay men and lesbian women because my mom had multiple friends that were. I watch the show “I am Jazz” and I’ve watched Caitlyn Jenner’s show “I am Cait”. I’ve also watched the ABC Family series “Becoming Us” a year or so when it was on. I’ve done my research. I’ve found that today’s millennial generation is more accepting of gender identity than the older generations. Again, people don’t like what they don’t understand. So we need to educate them. Not everyone has a supportive family when it comes to their being transgender or nonbinary.

Do your research. Read up about it. When you meet someone that is transgender or genderqueer, ask them what pronouns they prefer. Stop being stuck in the old ways just because you don’t think it’s natural. Times have changed and they are only going to change more as time goes on so you must learn to adapt.

My Life

Makeup or no makeup?

So telling from my pictures you can probably tell I wear A LOT of makeup. Should every girl wear makeup? Should guys be able to wear makeup without criticism? What about all natural? It seems my generation and the generation of kids in high school right now are all about makeup.

Makeup to me (and my sister) is a hobby. It’s an expensive hobby at that. I don’t put makeup on for you. I don’t do it for my husband. I don’t do it for my family. I actually don’t even wear makeup on a daily basis. I decided early on that it should be a privilege for you to see me with makeup on. I do it for myself. I think I look great with makeup on. I feel like doing makeup is an art. I express myself with colorful eyeshadows and bulk up my lashes with thick mascara. I show my gothic side by wearing black eyeliner. I’m in on the eyebrow trend that’s been going on for the past year. I just love makeup.

As I said, I don’t wear makeup every day. Honestly, it’s mainly because I’m lazy. However, it is also because when I pass on, I want people to remember me as I was naturally. Not a cake face covered in makeup or a fake Barbie. I don’t feel it should be a requirement as a girl to wear makeup every day. If you don’t want to wear makeup every day, or even at all, do you boo. 😉 Do not ever let any man, boy, or mean girl tell you that you need makeup to look pretty. You’re beautiful as you are. Makeup is supposed to enhance your features, but it can also be used to make you look totally different. Whichever way you choose is up to you. There really are no rules in makeup. I’ve learned there are makeup tutorials all over YouTube, but so many people do their makeup different than the next person.

When I was in Cosmetology school, we had a week process of learning how to do makeup. Honestly, I thought it was a load of crap. It really didn’t teach us anything we didn’t already know. All the girls in my class were younger than me, but each one of them knew how to contour and highlight. We had to practice doing makeup on each other. My friend did mine and I didn’t like it. I didn’t hate it, it was just different than how I usually did my makeup. It just brought to my attention that we all do makeup differently.

Do you see these little girls on YouTube doing makeup tutorials? Like girl, go play with Barbies. You’re too young for this. I started wearing small amounts of makeup in grade school. In junior high, I added a little more. Mainly eyeliner and mascara. When I was in high school was when I started getting the hang of it and got really creative. I was amazing at makeup in high school. Not that I’m not today. 😀 My sister started doing makeup in junior high and let me tell you, now at 16, she’s slaying the game. Her eyebrows are always on “fleek”. She’s great at doing makeup. She could be a professional makeup artist. She’s the one that basically introduced me to makeup tutorials on YouTube. There are so many. I mainly watch Jeffree Star, Kat Von D, Kylie Jenner, It’s Black Friday, ReeRee Phillips, and Drac Makens. (I’m a goth, what can I say?) I have 4 different palettes and multiple Kylie lip kits and Jeffree and Kat Von D liquid lips.

Speaking of Jeffree Star, who said boys couldn’t do makeup? Again, Jeffree Star and Manny Mua SLAYING the game. I can’t believe just how great some guys look with makeup. They make us girls look like amateurs! Let boys play with makeup, even if they don’t identify as gay or bi. What’s wrong with a straight boy playing with makeup? It’s too “girly” for him to play with makeup and makes him less of a “man”? Again, do you honey. Do not let society dictate what you do and how you live your life.

Long live makeup!

My Life

Why I’ve chosen not to have kids

Reproducing, huh? Everyone seems to be doing it. (No pun intended) Most people after they settle down and get married start to think about having kids. Some people have kids before they’re even ready. Then there’s us. The small percentage of the population that has chosen not to have children.

“Why?” you may ask. My response is “Why should I?” What’s so great about having kids? My husband and I have always been somewhat awkward around kids. I personally am not a huge fan of kids. Mainly because I have a quick temper and I’m impatient.

Today I went with my mom to hang out with my little cousins ages 7 and 2 I believe. The 7-year-old girl warmed up to me pretty fast. She sat down next to me and started blabbing about how she “hates” this and “hates” that. I explained to her that hating something is not very nice. “Do you hate everything?” I asked her. “No. I don’t hate you. I don’t hate my brother. I don’t hate my dog.” was her response. Mind you the mother of these children has brainwashed them both. She herself has a multitude of problems. Later when the kids were eating the 7-year-old kept hitting her 2-year-old brother and saying he hit her. I watched the whole thing. He didn’t lay a finger on her. When my mom took her upstairs to change clothes she put on a long sleeve shirt and leggings. It was around 80 some degrees out today. It was hot. She made it a point to let us know she’s cold in the summer and hot in the winter. Now to most people, this might sound like regular child like behavior. To me, it was annoying.

When we were in the car waiting for their mom to pick them up, the 7-year-old got out of her car seat and started climbing around the car like a jungle gym. She climbed onto the head rests of the front seats and put her feet in my mom’s face. My mom told her to act right and she actually started yelling at my mom! “Who do you think you’re yelling at?” I asked her. She didn’t answer me. She just kept arguing with my mom. See, here’s the problem. If that was my child, I’d probably have DCFS called on me because I would smack her upside her head. However, in this situation, she’s not my child and I was not in charge of her at this point. Now I’m a liberal as much as the next millenial, but I still believe in scolding your children. Maybe not abusing them or neglecting them, but spanking or smacking them when they need it. I learned at a young age, time out doesn’t nothing for me. How do I know it would work on any other kid?

Want to know the main reason I don’t want to have kids? They are embarrassing. You have to drag them everywhere and most will throw fits when they don’t get what they want. They’re rude, disrespectful, and annoying. Again, this is my personal opinion because I’m not a kid person. My husband’s reasoning behind not wanting children is because he doesn’t want to raise a child in the cruel world of today’s society. He was bullied as a child and he doesn’t want our child to go through that. Another reason he doesn’t want kids is because we would be passing on our mental health issues to a child, who doesn’t deserve to live with them. How do you respond to “Why do I feel like this?” when your child is depressed? I’m a heavily medicated, diagnosed schizophrenic and my husband has major depression. I would never want a child to have to deal with that.

My mom has even told me she doesn’t think I should have kids. That must mean something, right? From the age of 14, I practically raised my 4-year-old sister myself. My step-dad worked nights and my mom was gone for over 6 months for training to be a flight attendant. I was in charge of making sure my sister ate and did what she needed to do. Awesome, a free babysitter, right? Wrong. Not awesome. This is another reason I don’t want to have kids. I was in charge of my sister for many years and in a way, to me, that was like raising my old child.

We all have different opinions on children. Most people love them. Trust me, I’ve tried to love them. I don’t. My husband doesn’t either. There’s no doubt in our minds, even only at age 26, we are not having children. To much dismay of our peers and family, it just isn’t happening. There are so many people I know that are living their lives without having kids. To me, it looks like a pretty decent way to live. Sure we won’t have kids to throw us in a nursing home when we get old, but at least we’ll die together knowing we loved each other and we didn’t let a kid tear our marriage apart.

Just one woman’s perspective of life without kids. If you want kids, more power to you. We live in America where you have the freedom to do pretty much whatever you want. I won’t lose any respect for you if you have kids, I’ll actually gain respect, for I cannot deal with kids.

My Life

A marriage with one income (and no kids)

Currently, I don’t work. I’m actually starting college at the age of 26 in the fall. Since I’m basically going to school full time, I have little time for a part time job. I also WILL NOT work in food service. That’s my personal choice. I’ve applied at an office and have an interview tomorrow, but I’m doubting they will hire me because of my crazy hours.

Last week I was talking to my husband and he said if this place doesn’t hire me, he’s not too worried about me getting a job. He actually just got a promotion and I’m hoping it doesn’t fall through. Once he gets it he will be making about $300 extra a week. Thankfully then we can start paying off all our debt. Between the two of us, we are both in major credit card debt. Anyway, I was actually surprised when he said this. I couldn’t believe he actually didn’t care if I worked. “Yeah, it’d be nice to have more extra money, but I’m not forcing you to” is basically what he said.

I quit my well-paying job back in 2015 and have been unemployed ever since. I went to Cosmetology school full time and that didn’t work out so well. I did have a salon job for a few months earlier this year but I was fired because I wasn’t getting through training quick enough and my manager said she didn’t have time to train me. After getting fired, I had to decide what I wanted to do. I love writing. I do it frequently. I decided to go to school to major in journalism and creative writing.

Living on one income is a bit difficult. We barely skate by and like I said, we have major credit card debt. I’m the one that pays the bills so I have to budget every week my husband gets paid and we are limited to how much money we can spend on groceries. We aren’t able to splurge and buy all kinds of food at the store. We don’t get to buy extra stuff that often, which is why we are in credit card debt. Between the two of us, we go to multiple doctors appointments and each have our own medications we have to pay for. We have 4 pet ferrets we have to buy food, treats, and litter for. It really all adds up.

My husband is a hard worker. He works every day, 5 days a week for 8 hours a day at a factory job that’s he’s been at for 6 years. He’s been so supportive of me over the years.

I happened to pass along to my mom what my husband said about me not having to work. She wasn’t very happy about it. “Don’t you want to make your own money?” She asked. “No. Not really.” I said. I can see how that can be taken as me being lazy, but you have to understand, I’m going to school full time. I want to focus on school. I want to have time to study. I don’t want to overwhelm myself, which I get overwhelmed very easily. My parents are both always on me about getting a job. I just don’t get why it’s so important for me to have a job. It’s so annoying. I wish they would just let me live my life. It’s not like they’re paying for my schooling. My husband is paying for me to go through school and I’m forever grateful for that. They don’t live with me. They don’t pay our bills. If my husband, who is the sole source of our income tells me I don’t have to work, I’m not going to work unless I have to.

Call me lazy all you want, but after I graduate college, I do intend to get a job. I just don’t think it’s the best thing to do right now. However, if I get this office job, I get it and I will work part time. We just have to see how it pans out. Moral of the story is, it’s hard to skimp by with one income, but if you can live comfortably and your significant other supports you, go for it!

My Life

Ferrets as pets? Are you crazy???

A lot of people don’t know how to respond when I talk about my “babies”. I don’t have children, but I consider my 4 pet ferrets my children. “Don’t they stink?” “Do they bite?” “Are they litter trained?” Some of the questions I’m frequently asked. No. No. And yes.

There’s a common belief around people that ferrets stink. I can assure you, their cage doesn’t always smell like roses. However, if you give them baths every month and clean out their litter boxes frequently in their cage, there won’t be much smell. Then again, I’m in the U.S. and here it’s illegal for ferrets to not be de-scented. Personally, I can’t smell anything off and neither can my husband. My sister and mom both say when they walk in my house they can smell it. I’d like to point out that they own 3 dogs and a cat and their house smells like dogs, so what’s the difference?

Ferrets have a natural instinct to be litter trained. They are actually very clean animals. Not rodents! Don’t ever call a ferret a rodent in front of a ferret owner, you will regret it. 😉 When we purchased each of our 4 ferrets from Petco, they were in a plastic dome like cage with paper pet bedding and a small igloo to sleep in. Now, this is a debate with ferret owners, how to house them. I’d venture to say about 90% of ferret owners would tell you they need to be in a metal barred cage with multiple levels, litter boxes on each level (depending how many ferrets you have), lots of blankets and old t-shirts as bedding, and multiple hammocks and hanging bed throughout the cage.

When we first purchased our first ferrets in 2011, we had absolutely no idea what we were doing. We purchased a generic cage from Petco that had multiple levels and seemed secure enough, pet bedding, litter boxes, ferret litter, water bottle, food bowl, hammocks, the works. I started noticing after a few weeks that both ferrets seemed to have some type of sinus problems. I researched online and found out you are NOT supposed to use the paper pet bedding in ferret cages. It causes respiratory infections. We quickly removed the pet bedding and replaced it with some old shirts.

Are they litter trained? Get to the point… YES! However, when they are free roaming through the house during play time, they have accidents on the floor. We made a makeshift litter box out of a small rubber made tub and cut a door into it. They used it for about a year then started to ignore it. When they are in their cage though, they ALWAYS use the litter box. A side note, you should not use cat litter for your ferrets as the dust can also cause respiratory infections. We use the Marshall brand ferret litter that is paper pellets. We’ve never had any problems with it. We also have 2 litter boxes on the lowest level and 2 litter boxes on the highest level. (We have a 2 level Ferret Nation cage. Expensive, but worth every penny!)

They do bite from time to time. That’s something you have to work with them on. When we purchased our first 2 ferrets as babies, my male bit me the first night I tried to hold him and drew blood. That was the point where I thought maybe having ferrets wasn’t such a good idea. I can tell you that now at 6 years old that ferret still bites, but not hard. He more or less nibbles on your finger and play bites. It doesn’t hurt. Our youngest male that we purchased in 2014 has been the worst about biting. He was such a sweet little baby but as he got older he started fighting hardcore with our female. He learned to defend himself pretty quickly. Whenever we would play with him he would bite us, hard. I started scruffing him (pinching the skin on the back of his neck like a mother would do to move her babies, it doesn’t hurt them.) and telling him “No!” in a very stern voice. It took a few years, but now he play bites very gently.

Ferrets are amazing pets. They sleep 18 hours a day. They’re litter trained. Not to mention, they are so much fun! If you’re thinking about getting a ferret or would like to learn more about them, I recommend http://www.ferret-world.com. It’s an amazing resource.