What is depression?

Good question, right? Here’s the dictionary’s definition:

de·pres·sion
dəˈpreSH(ə)n/
noun
 
  1. 1.
    feelings of severe despondency and dejection.
    “self-doubt creeps in and that swiftly turns to depression”

How many of you have suffered depression? Have you been depressed and not known it was depression?

Depression is not being able to get out of bed in the morning.

Depression is not wanting to be around people.

Depression is not taking care of your well being.

So many more things…

I visited with my best friend today. She’s been having a real rough time. Every time she texts me, somewhere in the conversation I ask her how she is doing. Once that question is asked, she stops texting me and doesn’t answer the question. She said the question gives her anxiety. She has been so depressed lately. She has seldom reached out to me. How does one deal with this situation? Well, personally, I thought she was mad at me so I waited for her to text me. When she did finally decide to text me, it was a passive aggressive text indicating she would never be like me. I hate when she texts me these things. It makes me feel so bad. I know I shouldn’t let it get to me, but it does. I used to tell her to stop comparing herself to me. We’re two totally different people on different journeys. Lately, however, I’ve been ignoring these texts and wait for her to send a normal one. I’m not sure if she’s caught on to my reasoning as to why I don’t text her back. In truth, I don’t really know how to respond to these texts.

My best friend is diagnosed with major depressive disorder. As am I. The difference is, I’ve been through just as many different medications as she has, I just somehow found the ones that work for me. She hasn’t been so lucky. The number of times she’s tried to kill herself in the past few years is alarming. From drinking perfume to overdosing on pills. Most people tell me I don’t need that drama in my life and if she doesn’t appreciate me, she isn’t a true friend. Here’s the thing… I look past all that because I’ve been in the same situation. I’ve felt rock bottom, it hurts. I also know what it’s like to take medications that aren’t helping you and your doctor won’t listen to you about. I’ve done a lot of research on depression and schizophrenia in my life. I’ve always been trying to find the answers to why I am, and why she is, the way we are.

A lot of people ask me, “Why would you want to kill yourself?” or say “I don’t understand how you can think like that.” The world is ignorant to what they don’t understand. If you haven’t been through it yourself, you won’t understand. Why would I want to kill myself? Because I’m selfish. I’m tired of living with pain, day after day. I’m tired of getting up every morning to the same routine. I’m tired of being tired. People who haven’t lived it will never understand.

So, the moral of the story is… Don’t ever question someone when they are suicidal. Be there for their support. If they would like to tell you how they are feeling and why they feel like killing themselves, sit back and listen. Don’t judge. Don’t talk. Don’t push. Let them come to you.

For those of you considering suicide, we understand what you are going through. Don’t give up. Confide in someone you trust instead of isolating yourself. Get help. We love you.

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Published by

Nikkole

Hi There! I’m Nikkole Watkins. I was born and raised here in Central Illinois since 1991. I’m a married mother of 4 ferrets and a dog. I love to read, write, listen to music, hang out with family, learn about people and new things, and sip tea and coffee.

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